Phew!
Ok, I'm happy to admit I was wrong (& you'll never hear me say that again!)!! I just got off the phone with Nigel & he wasn't at all thinking what I thought he was thinking. He's just very frustrated with being tired all the time & sick & having to stay home. We talked it all out & I'm quite relieved. His birthday is Friday so we're penciling in plans to do something on Saturday (hoping he's up to it). I have a good feeling though.
This morning I texted the ex to tell him I didn't want him to take my car to VT to see this girl he met online & has been "seeing". I let him take the car up about a month ago but, forgot that he has his license suspended for writing a bad check to the DMV (smart!) & then not paying them back (smarter!) leaving it unresolved & getting his license suspended (smartest!!). I realized it this time & had to put the brakes on. I was thinking - if he got pulled over wouldn't my car get impounded?! Then what would I do? I am not going to worry about that when he has his own truck he can take & get out of any mess he gets in on his own. He's not my responsibility.
The other reason I decided that was because as you know if you read yesterdays blog - I've been fighting & succumbing & fighting & succumbing to a low lately. Last night I did go to bed after blogging & cried for a good few hours until I actually fell asleep & then this morning I almost sunk right back down but kept telling myself "No! You have to go to work & pretend everything's fine or you'll be in that dark place again & you hate yourself when you're there".
So, knowing of my fight with the ever approaching dark place, ugly ass bitch of depression I know that if I'm stuck with just that damned truck this weeekend - I wouldn't leave the house all weekend because I don't like driving it. I'm very uncomfortable driving it & I would end up stuck inside my head all weekend. I had to look out for myself.
Moving out & starting over is all about looking out for myself & if I don't well, then who will?
So, he of course got pissed off & we were "text fighting" (silly huh? LOL). He texted me telling me I was an ass & I was in the frame of mind where I was like "Tell me something I don't already know" & then he told me to fuck off etc. etc. etc. everything short of calling me a tramp. Then he says she can just drive down here then. I found that odd since he told me she had a DUI & couldn't drive .... hmmm... so I text that back & add - "You & your lies" because he always lied to me & that's one of the reasons I had to get away from him. That of course pissed him off (sore spot) so he texts me back making some reference to me "lying with 2 different guys". He's so immature - it made me laugh (especially since I'm not sleeping with 2 guys - I haven't slept with anyone in about a month now & I'm only seeing Nigel - Ted & I are just friends!). So I texted back thanking him for the laugh because it's so incredibly untrue. Yea, so he's all pissed now but, what am I going to do. It's not my problem.
Give them an inch & they want a mile right? That saying is so true.
You can't make everyone happy all the time. That one's true too.
Look out for #1 - that's my new motto.
FuCkiNg EvErYtHiNg Up
Yes, I am.
I haven't written much about Nigel lately (or haven't written much lately). After getting tests it was confirmed he has mono so he has been virtually non-existant over here. We were keeping in touch & after a rock-bottom low on Easter I practically begged him to come over.
I was lying in bed day-dreaming about slitting my wrists & lying in the bath tub to waste away instead. Then I thought that might be messy so I was considering pills but all I had was a bottle of DayQuil (which I also considered - but what would that do? A few bottles of multi-vitamins? But what would they do?).
I was of course alone on Easter. I have no family near by & the only one that ever bother's to contact me is my sister & she didn't even call me the entire day because she has her husband, baby & his family - so why think of me? I tried to keep busy, did dishes, swept, swiffer wet-jetted, made the apt spotless, painted my toenails, forced myself to take a shower all the while almost crying but, holding back - convincing myself I was being foolish. There are other people alone on Easter & it's just a day - why get all worked up? Why am I so fucking important? Ridiculous!
I was waiting for Nigel to call me, he'd said he would after he spent the day with his family (they were doing lunch) & then come over after.
I waited & waited ... If it were any other day would it matter? Not as much I suppose.
Eventually I decided he forgot about me & didn't care so I just laid down (to daydream - see above) & after I finally got up & he called & told me he was going to stay home I almost lost it. (He'd been doing this to me for well over a week - saying he'd come over & then saying he's not because he's too sick & weak (which he was/is & I understand but, at the same time I was feeling rejected & overanalyzing it of course).)
I was in the mindframe that I wanted to be alone but, knew I shouldn't be. That's exactly what I told him. He said he would come over but, he would probably just sit here - I said that's all I needed. He did come over, he came in as I was finishing up some writing & going through old writings (real smart when you're already down - get lower). We watched a movie & talked a little bit & he hugged me a lot & was real sweet & then we went to bed & he held me for a little while before he eventually fell asleep. I was up for hours until I fell asleep.
I must have thanked him a gazillion times & he said "that's what friends are for". His family has a history of depression so he understands it & understood why I needed him here. I still felt like crap making him come over which made matters worse but, I knew I had to do it. (He even called me "hon" that day which was something new although I've been calling him "babe") I still felt silly that of all people I called on him. But, there was nobody else around & I've been pretty open with him about everything. He knows I don't have any medication & asked me if I could get it without insurance (not an option at over $300 for a months worth).
Anyway, It was one of the worst days I've ever experienced. I hope that's not what I have to look forward to living alone. Was it an isolated incident triggered by the holiday? I'd like to think so but ...
Ok, so why did I say I'm Fucking everything up? Well, Nigel & I have been talking off & on since Easter but having mono & needing to recover he was told to not even drive. To only stay home & rest. His spleen is/was enlarged & if he's too active it could rupture (well, mostly if he lifts anything heavy or gets popped in the abdomen). So, he's getting frustrated with that & off & on getting depressed as well.
Now, I haven't seen him since Easter. We've talked here & there & I'm getting the feeling that he thinks all I want him for is sex. Granted I'm a horny girl (you all know that) but it's more than that! Me & my big mough huh? You sleep with a guy too early in the relationship or tell a guy you're horny & he thinks that's all you want.
I remember one night when he came over when the mono was just hitting him & he said "Sorry, but I'm going to be useless to you tonight." I guess it's my own fault. I would tease him & tell him he needs to get better because I'm horny. Then I'd call him to see how he's doing & he'd plan to come over because early on he was ok at the beginning of the day & then at night it'd hit him & he'd have to cancel. Somehow, he got the impression that all I wanted was sex. Apparently, it's in his head that when I call or text him to see how he is I really mean "Can we fuck yet?" when I really mean - how are you feeling? How did him coming over turn into us having sex? I guess I mentioned sex too much. I'm starting to feel like a tramp.
We talked today after I texted him & he's feeling better but, still sick & getting annoyed with being stuck in a house all day. Considering how he's feeling (& wanting to see him) I said "Well, if you're up to coming over you know you can." This must have translated to "Well, if you're up to
cumming over here you know you can." Because then he said he can't really be doing any activities. I being the complete scatterbrain (between up & down & down & down lately) didn't even catch what he meant until afterwards when I was thinking about our conversation which ended kind of abruptly & I think he was getting a tone, it felt forced.
So, I'm sitting at my desk at work & realize that he meant "sex" when he said "activities"! Is that all he thinks I want? Maybe that's all he wants? (this is what's going through my head as I'm supposed to be working) What if it is all he wants? Then what? Where is this going? I don't get it - he called me "hon" a couple weeks ago & now this? Is this a fight? ARGH!
I hate to leave things unresolved so I text him "It just ocurred to me from the way you sounded that u may think I just check on u because I want 1 thing - "activity". That's not it." You can only type so many characters in a text message so I had to shorten it. At first I wanted to say "I suppose I deserve that" but, then it would make me sound all needy & I'm already petrified that I'm coming across needy, or clingy, or annoying, or God knows what. I of course sounded needy anyway didn't I?
The funny thing is that I thought that if anything I was acting like to much of a mother figure always wanting to see how he's feeling. Then I was like - no, dumbass - you just look like the neediest freak in the world.
He didn't call or text me back. I think he's annoyed with me & I think he's going to put an end to us. Then what? I'm worried that I opened up too much to him & now he thinks I'm a freakazoid, needy, annoying, trashy girl. At the same time I think he & I need to talk but, I'm worried we'll argue or something & he'll definitely dump me. I don't want to turn it around on me when he's sick - then I am needy. I'm needy aren't I? Yes, I am. I hate myself right now. I've become exactly what I hate. Relying on others ...
I think I'm just going to go to bed for the night. It's that or sit here & cry & I don't want puffy eyes in the morning.
I done-been tagged!
Gen tagged me so here ya go!
Six weird things about me:1. I am allergic to one type of laundry detergent & I'll be darned if I can ever remember which fucking one it is.
2. I never take out my earings & rarely take off my rings.
3. I can't be trusted to paint my fingernails on a regular basis. Even just strengthener which is clear so you can't tell if it's sloppy. I just ... can't ... commit ...
4. I will not under any circumstances eat a soggy sandwhich or soggy cereal. It's just not gonna happen.
5. I find security in my gigantic, furry, blue, monster feet slippers & wear them at all times when I'm home. If I go on vacation - they come with.
6. I pick my nose. That's right, I said it. I'm not going to deny it. I'm a thumbnail picker though (much less obvious - looks more like a scratch than a pick), you wont catch me with my pinky up there, past knuckle (well, at least not in public).
I tag Jane & Dan!
Ramblings?
Nigel went to the doctor today (finally - thank God) & he was told he probably has a really bad strain of the flu (a really nasty one is going around) but if he's not better by the end of the week to call on Monday & they'll do blood tests to see if it's Mono. He had a temperature of 103 when he was there! I'm hoping he gets better soon. I just called him & he told me he just passed out (for the 5th or so time) a few minutes ago. Apparently, that's not out of the ordinary according to the doctor because this flu strain is so bad. Frankly, it just scares me!
Now, I can't help but wonder if I'm getting too attached to him now. I'm worried about him like he's my boyfriend & he's really not - he's moving in a few months or so. We've talked about "us" a little bit a while back but things were a little different then. Now, he stays over a few nights a week (sans the last few days) & we just spend time together (what with him being sick). I'm not sure about him but, I'm starting to feel really close to him.
Maybe we're just using each other for the time being, getting something from each other at this point in our lives that we need & then we'll move on like in that movie "Lost in Translation" (we watched that together). I don't know.
All, I do know is that the other night when we were lying in bed together (with him sick) I had the strangest urge to say "I love you" & seriously considered saying it - WTF? Maybe, I was just recollecting a comfort from when I was living with my ex? I don't know, all I know is that I felt it. I can't honestly say that I'm in love with him but, if I were to really think about it - yes, I do love him but, to think about actually saying it to him. What does that mean? Is it just a fondness? Does it just mean I care about him? I mean, I love my friends ... is it just that? When he moves it's going to be hard for me.
Argh! My legs are achy - I must be having sympathy aches.
On another note, things are going well at work but, everyone is complaining about the lack of $ they make lately & it's starting to annoy me. They're saying they were promised big commisions on top of their base pay when they were hired & it's not panning out that way. I however based my finances (moving & all & being on my own) on just my base pay so I'll be ok but, it is less than I was making before & now I'm starting to wonder if I should look for something else with more $. Maybe it's just the influence of others ... sometimes when you hear something over & over it starts to make sense.
Oh, shit - I forgot to eat dinner. I ate some girlscout cookies with coffee when I got home & then decided to have a Corona (well, 2 - I'm on my second one & going to bed soon).
I don't think I mentioned this - I've lost a total of 19.5 pounds now. No worries though - I have been eating pretty normally. I've been making sure to eating 4-5 meals a day (2-3 of which are really snacks like an apple, granola bar or yogurt & the other a decent dinner/lunch). I fit into a pair of pants the other day that I haven't been able to since my mother passed away 3 years ago & they were actually almost baggy. I also fit into another pair that were just slightly snug but, certainly wearable. However, they are a light denim & I'm more into dark denim these days so I'll probably give them to good will. I have a few bags of old clothes from "the move" that I've been going through here & there that are going to good will. If I don't want them I would rather someone that needs them get them :-)
Wow, I'm really rambling. This may or may not have to do with the fact that I have no insurance & therefore have been off Lamictal for about 1 month - month & 1/2. I had no choice. I didn't crash however. I forsaw it coming & weened myself off. My pdoc doesn't know this but, who cares. I'm considering trying this without my pills. We'll see though - this could just be my crazy bipolar mind thinking this (although, I keep questioning that now too - am I bipolar? We all know that happens). I imagine that when I get my insurance (June 1st) I'll make an appt with him anyway. When I first weened off I was up, down, up, down with racing thoughts. I cycled many times throughout the day but, it wasn't anything super drastic just in the mid-range. Actually, thinking about it I think I'm still up, down, up, down. So far, I shrug off the downs & refuse to accept it as anything developing. If I succumb to it it will consume me & I will not allow that.
I'm also out of contact lenses & have been wearing the same (2 week) pair for over a month. My eye doctor would be so mad! I wear my glasses at night (the prescription is from 2 years ago though). I can't wait for my insurance to kick in! I need new contacts & new glasses!
Ok, I'm going to force myself to stop typing now. Sorry I haven't been checking other peoples blogs lately - but, you are in my thoughts as always & I mean that! Hugs & if you made it this far in reading - you're a true saint (well, or a glutten for punishment)!
Worrying
Well, Nigel is STILL sick. My poor man. Tomorrow will be a week (making that 2 weeks without sex for those counting - ok, that'd just be me but what-the-fuck-ever). If he's still sick tomorrow (which I can only assume he will be) he's calling his doctor. I'm really getting worried about him :-( Keep him in your thoughts ok people?
Ugh!
Trying not to smoke. But, I just smoked a few butts in my ash tray - brilliant. I didn't intend to quit this way ... cold turkey ... but, my cat had to go to the vet unexpected & that took up my last $150 so I'm broke until Friday. I'm praying I have enough gas to get to work for the week ...
There is nothing worse
than being annoyed by random people asking to be your friend on My Space! Comments from people (guys) I don't even know & then they want to be my friend. I don't fucking know you - are you fucking crazy? Yes, yes I do have pretty I eyes. I KNOW THAT YOU FREAK - WTF?! Really, annoying.
Not as annoying though as when your man is sick as a dog & you feel so bad for him but, at the same time you want to jump him & ride him till the sun comes up anyway ... God, I adore him but I NEED SEX! I swear, it's consuming me.
Well, when my man (Nigel) was over here the other day running on the treadmill & I was sitting around drinking a beer like a lazy SOB it got me thinking. I need to get my skinny-fat ass on the fucking thing myself! So, I did just now & ran a couple miles. It felt DAMN good! So, I called him & thanked him (got his voice mail).
So, when a guy starts calling you just about every day - what does it mean? He calls me more than I call him ... I'm liking it & I LOVE his company (nudge, nudge, know what I mean? No really - I like him) & he's put off moving. Part of me thinks that's great & part of me thinks it's not because we're going to end up getting too close ... I'm worried one of us or both of us is going to end up more hurt than if he'd moved sooner.
But, on the bright side - sex tomorrow!! Oh, sorry - I got off track. Oh, did I tell you guys I bought my first ever vibrator a few weeks ago? It's one of the eggs with a fancy sleeve that goes over it with nubby's on it - it's purple & it's fantastic! It was a gift to myself for starting my life over ... mmmmmm ... Love it!
Loving it!
I so love having my own place. It's so great to come home to my own space. I've never felt anything so awesome :-) Having never really lived by myself I'm revelling in this!
With my ex I could never have any friends over without feeling like it was bothering him. At my own place I can have anyone over anytime I want & now I can have Nigel over to my place & not always have to go to his or out somewhere. Plus, he's moving soon, his lease is up & he'll be moving to RI. He pushed out the date though & is aiming for moving in about 2 months. Right now he's staying here a few nights a week & will be staying at his father's house & here once his lease runs out next week.
I enjoy having him around. But, right now I've got my monthly (sorry guys) so no sex until the end of the week -- DAMN! There's nothing worse than having a hot guy in your bed & only getting a back rub (especially when that back rub makes you want to rip his clothes off & ...). I tell him this & he says sex is secondary & then I kiss him & he's sticking out of his boxers ... Ha Ha Ha ---> I'm way too horny.
It's raining
It's pouring, the old man is snoring... Well, at least I was - well not snoring but damn I slept good!! More later .......
All moved in!
Yup, officially moved in. And, today I got my digital cable w/dvr & my dsl hooked up ... I had a late night last night though & I'm pooped - I think my bed is calling me ....
