Alright Dan
You got it. I don't want you to whither away into nothing missing my every-so-interesting bloglings! LOL
Shall I bore you all with the knowledge that I've been transferred to a new location/new job/with new co-workers thanks to a spur-of-the-moment meeting with the Publisher at the newspaper? Should I go on & on about having my own office? And, shall I carry on how I've already been invited to outings with these new coworkers?
Or ... shall I talk about the little tryst I had with my ex's roomate? The dirty sex we had after a week of dirty-text messaging while keeping the whole thing a complete secret? Should I mention his age? Alright ... I'll give you that ... he's 21! Oh, it makes me feel so old (but, then I DID get carded at the store today!). Shall, I ellaborate on my insatiable appetite for sex? Oh, wait - you all already know about that. How about the fact that just that one night of sex made me realize that although it's hot it's not like it is with someone you care about? Ah, you already know that too. One night of hot sex can make you think about a lot I guess ... can make you learn a lot .... Who would ever have thought?
How's that?
Fuck-Cock-Shit - who needs a title?
Ha - Dan you made me crack up with your last comment.
Thanks all for caring & thinking of me :-)
Now, copy & paste this into your browser & laugh your behinds off!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg%20
Sorry
I haven't posted in a while. Thanks - Jane for kicking me in the butt there. I've only been online here & there & just haven't made my way around to blogging or even reading blogs for that matter. I hope all is well with everyone. I'll be back to blogging soon. I have a lot going on lately & have been having a rough time. Maybe I should be blogging - it does help.
I'm ok
No-one has even read this but, should anyone stop by ... I made myself go lay down & try to sleep. I ended up calling out of work today because I had a migraine from getting so emotional & my eyes are puffed out like walnuts, I just didn't have it in me to go in. I finally rolled out of bed around 10:30 this morning & I feel a little better ... I'm still not sure quite what to do. This is getting worse & worse & I'm fighting the desire to isolate myself by making myself email friends.
I suppose what I should really do is tell them how I feel but, then I feel like a loser asking for attention because I'm weak. The only one that knows almost how rough of a time I'm going through is Nigel but, I'm not being completely honest with him either.
There's a support group near my work every Wed night for people with BP & depression & I'm going to contact them & go tomorrow. I told Nigel I was going to & asked him if he thought it was wierd & he said no. I've been avoiding it like the plague while wanting to go at the same time because of the stigmas associated with mental illness... It's time I suck it up & go.
Ok, I need help
I just went into the bathroom after making a goodbye note & sat there with a razor. Now, I'm searching for some pills to take to stop this. I can't take it anymore. I hurt so much. I'm so alone. It's just not fair. Why me? What the FUCK did I do to deserve this? I swear all the pain in the world is in me right now & it hurts so much it's unbearable. I can't call my shrink - I haven't seen her in months. I can't call my ex - he wont know what to do. I can't call Nigel because he's probably home sleeping & too tired to come over. I can't call my "friend" Jaime because she didn't even bother to answer my IM when I KNEW she was online because it showed it. I can't call Ted because he's probably sleeping & wont answer the phone. I can't call my sister because she's in FUCKING FL. I'm not just imagining I'm alone - I AM.
I hate myself. I hate every little thing about myself & I want to die. I'm so worthless & pathetic & have become everything I detest. I have no insurance - I can't even go to the FUCKING hospital.
Huh?
I don't know.
I finally saw Nigel tonight & it was nice but, we talked about our "relationship" & it doesn't seem to be anything right now. He has a lot of stress in his life right now & tends to get full into a relationship & doesn't forsee that as something he wants right now. How do I take that? I don't really know what I want so it's hard for me to judge him by his comments. Part of me wonders if that means I'm not good enough for him ...
Part of me wants to crawl under a rock & forget everyone. Or just end it all. I mean, I'm never going to be happy right?
Part of me wants to go out & meet a new guy. It's not like Nigel & I are physical & he's pretty much ok'd me seeing other guys as long as I tell him. He did say it'd be hard at first but, he wants to continue to be friends if that does come up because he considers me a really good friend. He's not seeing anyone else right now but ...
What to do ... what to do ... It stinks because I do really like him but, honestly I do know that he's not "the one". If anyone I had (have) more feelings for "Ted".
Did I tell you that I spent last/last weekend night with Ted? Well, I went over Jaime's house to "help her move" but everyone had stopped helping by the time I got there (9ish) & was drinking & playing beer pong. So, I of course joined in & got a bit tipsy & stayed over "Ted's". Well, nothing happened save for sleeping. I even talked to Nigel on the phone while in Ted's apt. It was nice to be close to Ted though although it was ok to just sleep because I knew it wouldn't be right for anything more (plus - he passed out - LOL).
I'm just really, really lonely right now. Why do I think I need to fill that void with a man? Why? I know if I look back I can say it's due to my upbringing but, how do I change that method of thinking? Besides, I'm so horny!!!!!
I'm not in a good place. Lonely, thinking of just giving up & self medicating. When will this end? I can't take it much longer. I just can't.
