Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Nothing on ..

tv .. no matter how many channels you have - there's hardly ever anything on - ugh!

I was very down yesterday after realizing I am pretty much out of money again. Money is so unimportant until you don't have any - then it's the most important thing in the world. Additionally, I have no full time job & I don't know where my life is going or where my love-life is going. I'm in love with someone (no matter how hard I tried not to be) that is trying his damndest to not be in love with me.

So ... I tried to just go to bed to get my mind off of everything (this is around 4pmish). Then Nigel comes home (around 5ish) to get ready to go to a Matisyahu concert with his cousin (who came over as well since he was driving). So .. I eventually got up (around 5:30ish) & went out to smoke a cigarette (shut up) because they were being too loud for me to sleep (not that I actually was able to fall asleep prior anyway but..). Nigel keeps looking at me but, I can't bring myself to put on the happy face when all I wanted to do was cry ... So, once he's ready to leave he gives me a kiss on the forehead & proceeds out the door. I, in the meantime proceed to sit on the couch & stare at the TV (which wasn't on) & he comes back in the apt. with his coat & ask me if I'm ok. I said "Yea ... I'm fine .. just feeling blah". He says "Blah? What's that?". So I said - "I'm just low, I'll be fine". He says "Yea, I know .. I could tell. Me too" & kisses me again on the forehead. I told him to have fun & he took off.

He's too sweet to me. I just wish it could be what I want it to be but, right now .. I don't know that either of can commit for fear of getting hurt or hurting the other. Wait... I take that back ... I am committed ... I made a few changes in my lifestyle & I am committed to him 100% now. I even told him I'd broken all ties with a guyfriend I had because I didn't think it was fair to either of them.

Where will this lead? I so wish I could just know now ...

Friday, October 13, 2006

So...

I will try to post fairly regularly. I'm glad to see you guys are reading :-)

Things are going pretty smoothly...still working at the gym...still keeping my life on track. Got a little loaded the other night after having a glass of wine with Nigel & then proceeding to finish the bottle & open another one after he left. Needless to say...he was a little ticked off when he came home but that was nothing a little good sex couldn't fix - tee-hee.

I still don't think it's going to work out with him but...only time will tell & I'm keeping my options open.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Ugh ....

I know nobody's reading this ... I'm just writing it for myself at this point. I've been so mia for so long ... I apologize to those that might stop by.

I was behind in my bills ... so behind I couldn't even afford gas to go anywhere for so long .. I was borrowing from my friends. Anywhoo .. I got a job .. quit a job .. sold my house .. made a good clip from it .. bought a new SUV .. got a new job as a Personal Trainer.

The new job is going great. I'm meeting some awesome people. I can't help but feel like a hypocrite though because I personally am rarely working out & not eating like I should. I can't help it .. my eating habits are all over the place .. I'm down to 114#'s & a size 3/4 ... I try to eat normally ... like I used to when I worked out regularly but, I just don't get hungry! Who wants to eat when they're not hungry? My "friend" Nigel doesn't comprehend this ... Today I had one of those new french toast thingamabobbers at Dunkin Donuts & a PB & J sandwich .. now I'm having some wine ...

I was fighting a UTI because I wasn't drinking enough fluids (save for alcohol) on top of not eating right ... I made every attempt possible to drink more water & managed to kick it .. thank God.

I'm on the right track ... it's a battle but, I'm getting there.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the gym to spy on & or participate in the beginners karate at the gym I now work at. The gym is focused & began mainly around the martial arts program there & I'm psyched! Afterwards I plan to work out (it's free damnit - why not?). Later on I will be working (5-7) as a PT & will meet with the owner after my "shift" to discuss how things are going.

Nigel is living with me ... I fucked up pretty bad however ... drinking & driving & be destructive (my fellow BP's would understand this) so our relationship was strained for a while & any hope of it evolving into something more are pretty much gone .. my own fault though .. I take full responsibility ... the whole thing however has kicked my ass into getting my life in order. Something bad CAN be turned into something good ...

The saying "Life is what you make of it" ---> Yea ... it aint bullshit.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

An I'm alive post

I've been mia..got behind in my bills & lost the cable/cable modem - just couldn't pay it.

Anyway... I'm alive & trying to get my life on track. A lot has happened... I'll post again soon.