Ramblings?
Nigel went to the doctor today (finally - thank God) & he was told he probably has a really bad strain of the flu (a really nasty one is going around) but if he's not better by the end of the week to call on Monday & they'll do blood tests to see if it's Mono. He had a temperature of 103 when he was there! I'm hoping he gets better soon. I just called him & he told me he just passed out (for the 5th or so time) a few minutes ago. Apparently, that's not out of the ordinary according to the doctor because this flu strain is so bad. Frankly, it just scares me!Now, I can't help but wonder if I'm getting too attached to him now. I'm worried about him like he's my boyfriend & he's really not - he's moving in a few months or so. We've talked about "us" a little bit a while back but things were a little different then. Now, he stays over a few nights a week (sans the last few days) & we just spend time together (what with him being sick). I'm not sure about him but, I'm starting to feel really close to him.
Maybe we're just using each other for the time being, getting something from each other at this point in our lives that we need & then we'll move on like in that movie "Lost in Translation" (we watched that together). I don't know.
All, I do know is that the other night when we were lying in bed together (with him sick) I had the strangest urge to say "I love you" & seriously considered saying it - WTF? Maybe, I was just recollecting a comfort from when I was living with my ex? I don't know, all I know is that I felt it. I can't honestly say that I'm in love with him but, if I were to really think about it - yes, I do love him but, to think about actually saying it to him. What does that mean? Is it just a fondness? Does it just mean I care about him? I mean, I love my friends ... is it just that? When he moves it's going to be hard for me.
Argh! My legs are achy - I must be having sympathy aches.
On another note, things are going well at work but, everyone is complaining about the lack of $ they make lately & it's starting to annoy me. They're saying they were promised big commisions on top of their base pay when they were hired & it's not panning out that way. I however based my finances (moving & all & being on my own) on just my base pay so I'll be ok but, it is less than I was making before & now I'm starting to wonder if I should look for something else with more $. Maybe it's just the influence of others ... sometimes when you hear something over & over it starts to make sense.
Oh, shit - I forgot to eat dinner. I ate some girlscout cookies with coffee when I got home & then decided to have a Corona (well, 2 - I'm on my second one & going to bed soon).
I don't think I mentioned this - I've lost a total of 19.5 pounds now. No worries though - I have been eating pretty normally. I've been making sure to eating 4-5 meals a day (2-3 of which are really snacks like an apple, granola bar or yogurt & the other a decent dinner/lunch). I fit into a pair of pants the other day that I haven't been able to since my mother passed away 3 years ago & they were actually almost baggy. I also fit into another pair that were just slightly snug but, certainly wearable. However, they are a light denim & I'm more into dark denim these days so I'll probably give them to good will. I have a few bags of old clothes from "the move" that I've been going through here & there that are going to good will. If I don't want them I would rather someone that needs them get them :-)
Wow, I'm really rambling. This may or may not have to do with the fact that I have no insurance & therefore have been off Lamictal for about 1 month - month & 1/2. I had no choice. I didn't crash however. I forsaw it coming & weened myself off. My pdoc doesn't know this but, who cares. I'm considering trying this without my pills. We'll see though - this could just be my crazy bipolar mind thinking this (although, I keep questioning that now too - am I bipolar? We all know that happens). I imagine that when I get my insurance (June 1st) I'll make an appt with him anyway. When I first weened off I was up, down, up, down with racing thoughts. I cycled many times throughout the day but, it wasn't anything super drastic just in the mid-range. Actually, thinking about it I think I'm still up, down, up, down. So far, I shrug off the downs & refuse to accept it as anything developing. If I succumb to it it will consume me & I will not allow that.
I'm also out of contact lenses & have been wearing the same (2 week) pair for over a month. My eye doctor would be so mad! I wear my glasses at night (the prescription is from 2 years ago though). I can't wait for my insurance to kick in! I need new contacts & new glasses!
Ok, I'm going to force myself to stop typing now. Sorry I haven't been checking other peoples blogs lately - but, you are in my thoughts as always & I mean that! Hugs & if you made it this far in reading - you're a true saint (well, or a glutten for punishment)!
posted by Openfields @ 8:56 PM
