What's up?
So, I had to go to the bank to get a cashier's check to give my landlord because I didn't realize I was completely out of checks. I'm going to order some but I think I'll get them from Check's Unlimited instead of my bank to save some $$.
If I'm not online much these next few days it's not because I'm dead - it's because I'm packing & packing & packing.
Hugs to everyone, I'm off ...
Yippee!!!
Guess who went to see the perfect apt for her last night? And, guess who's moving in this weekend? Yup, that'd be .... me! I'm so excited! It's a 1 bedroom in a victorian house. It was a post office a long time ago & now it's home to 3 apartments. Mine is on the end with nobody above me (a plus!) & it has brandnew pergo flooring in the living room, a cieling fan, a cozy kitchen (with a stove & fridge), a good size bedroom & bathroom. It's adorable & perfect in every sense of the word. Now I need my friends to help me move ...
Got some digits ....
last night. I went out with my friends because it was this ladies last day at the old hell hole where I used to work & everyone wanted to see her off & wish her well. I really don't like her all that much, I mean she's ok but it was a chance for me to get out & I didn't have any plans (Dan, I guess that means you win & you didn't jinx me after all!).
So, we hung out at a bar at a local restaurant & then went to a local Pool Hall/bar in my hometown. There was a cover band playing & then an ACDC tribute band - they were fun - one guy had the whole Angus Young shorts-suit outfit on & everything - crazy-fun!
Then, this guy shows up that knows a friend of my friends & he had the nicest eyes, a pretty rockin' body & good hair (you'll see why). So, I tell my friend that he's cute & she's had about 4 tequila sunrises (her normal drink) so she asks her friend & comes back to me "He's single & 28". I'm like "Oh, cool.". I haven't asked for a guys number in sooo long so I didn't know how to go about it. We kept looking at each other with no words spoken until unbeknownst to me Jenn tells him "She's interested" & points at me (she told me this afterwards)! So, he came over to me & introduced himself, I introduced myself, we talked a little bit & I asked for his # (which he gave me - let's hope it's real - I think it is - he didn't strike me as the player type).
He did ask me what I was doing tonight so I can only assume it's real. I told him I wasn't sure (because Nick is supposed to be picking me up to bring me to look at an apt - the ex took the car to meet a girl in VT - & then I don't know what I'm doing later (& whether that will involve Nigel or Ted or what)). And, if Ted calls me late at night when I'm with Nigel that may be awkward ... I texted Ted last night though & he didn't answer so ..
So, back to the hair - he's a hairdresser (& HE'S STRAIGHT!). See, I knew every guy hairdresser wasn't gay!! He even works at the salon I go to! He just started there a month ago & prior to that worked at another one. Strangely enough after he told me that I had a flash back to when I had a "hairmergency" & I went to that salon & HE was at the counter but, they didn't have any other hairdressers there yet (it was bright & early in the am & he only did mens hair). I remember thinking - of course, the salon I go to has a hot guy seeing me look all witchy. Anyway, I ended up going to my own salon to have my hair fixed (my current salon - where he now works).
I asked him why he got into hairdressing & he said that he actually loves art - painting, drawing, photography & sees hairdressing as a kind of art too (yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about that but, I smiled & said - "Ok, I guess I can see that").
I don't know why everything that happens to me is linked to something else.
This morning I finally had a chance to talk with our new roomate a little more. He's a pretty cool guy & we have a lot in common. It was nice to talk to him & get to know him better. Another roomate is supposed to be moving in tomorrow. He's 21 & cute from what I could tell (but, I'm thinking that's WAY too young for me). I'm hoping this apt that I go look at today is nice. I want to have my own place & be on my own soooo bad!
The best part of the night was when I got the restaurant/bar & everyone was shocked - saying how skinny I was - that I lost a lot of weight. I said, well I did - but only 17 pounds & these are my skinny jeans. It made me feel good. Then later I went to the bathroom & said "Ooh, I like this place - they have skinny mirrors here!". Yes, I was checking myself out & thinking to myself - maybe they're right - I do look damn good but, it's probably just the mirror. Does anyone else do that? Refuse to accept how good you look? I can't get away from it. I always try to convince myself it's the mirror not me.
My cats & dog started trying to wake me up as soon as the sun came up this morning. I wanted to choke them all. They're damn lucky I love them (& I'm not the choking type - well, except sex - no just kidding). Thankfully, I only had about 4 beers over several hours so I wasn't hungover. I eventually rolled out of bed around 8:30.
I have to jump in the shower, put my face on, do my hair & get to the bank & tanning. I'm thinking I'm going to practice driving the truck (remember - no car) around the block a few times first. I've only driven it once & the power in that thing FORCES me to drive too fast (really, it's not me - I swear!). Plus, it's a standard (which is ok, I can drive a stick - he he - no really I can drive a standard) but, every standard is a little different. I do know that I can't start it in 1st gear because the idle is too high so I need to take off in 2nd. Oh & it's gigantic - I'm used to a baby go-go-gadget neon!
Let's see what today brings ...
Back to work
Well, I went to work today feeling much better. My boss was totally fine with me being out - thank God! I felt so bad but I was really sick (& depressed) making it impossible for me to go in.
Today, much better. I had a decent day at work & the day just flew by.
I re-texted Ted to see if he got my last one & asked him what he was doing this weekend. He's having a CD release party but said he'll probably call me after (late that night). I texted him back "U better not blow me off or I'll kick ur ass & you know how tuff I am!!". Yeah, ok so I'm not that tough but for some reason guys always like to tackle me. Last time I was over Ted's (Friday night) he tackled me & we started wrestling on the floor. Did I blog that I spent the night there? Oh wait, yeah I did. Anyway, like I said we didn't do anything but fool around (no sex). Nigel is always tackling me too. What is it with that? I guess I look tackleable (like that's a word).
So, we'll see what happens this weekend. I haven't heard from Nigel since Sunday morning (when he dropped me off) & I know he has a busy week going on so I don't know what my weekend will look like. Watch me end up sitting home by myself. That'd suck.
Ah, this is funny - sure lifted my spirits!
I found this on another blog. It's: http://sarahthegreatandwise.blogspot.com/.
Step One--Go to google
Step Two--Search for "(your name) lookes like" *be sure to use quotes*
Step Three--Look at the results till you have wasted enough time
Example: "Jacqui looks like"Here's a few amusing ones that I got back:
Jacqui looks like shes about to throw up haha.
Jacqui, looks like alot of work goes into one of those. (he he, what's that about?)
Jacqui looks like a photoshop job i would do on a freind of mine as a joke. that is a man's face. i swear (He he - this is my favorite, even though "friend" is spelled wrong!)
Jacqui looks like she could suck A golf ball through A garden hose. (Oh my!)
JACQUI looks like CHUCKY'S BRIDE!!!!
Anyway, try it with your name!
An email
I just sent this email to my friend Jaime & thought I'd share with those that really understand. Obviously, I edited out "Ted"'s real name.
I am dreadfully still sick. I have 1 cigarette left & frankly I don't care. For the first time in my life I had night sweats - last night. Apparently I'm running a temperature & didn't even realize it. I think I'm running with 1/2 a brain. I had to call out again & I can't even imagine what my boss must be thinking. With my 1/2 a brain I texted Ted last night that I forgot to tell him that he has to cook me at least 1 thing out of those cookbooks. He of course never responded.
I missed a day of my pills over the weekend & I've been crashing for the past 3 days (not to mention last week). I actually seriously contemplated suicide last night. I was thinking of taking all the advil (that I just bought), the rest of the benedryl, & the rest of the Nyquil, Dayquil & possibly all my mood stabilizers to see what would happen. I didn't (obviously) but I did go to bed with a coughdrop hoping I'd fall asleep & choke to death. I however couldn't sleep - I felt like it was 200 degrees in the room & I couldn't stop coughing so the cough drop just dissolved way before I fell asleep. I haven't taken a shower since Sunday - attractive huh? I don't care. I didn't tell you but on the anniversary of my mom's passing I had the same contemplation just in a different manner. You know that stupid commercial "depression hurts" where they say that it can cause physical symptoms too? Yeah, they're not lying - my back hurts, my neck hurts, the ankle I sprained over a year ago has been hurting - my whole body hurts - on top of being sick - not to mention I have two zits on my face & I never get zits!
There you go, a little glimpse into my super-fun struggles with being me. Whoo-hoo! Love it! I hate being like this.
So how's things?
Bleh!
I called out today. I've been fighting a nasty cold for a few days now & I'm coughing so much I can't see being on the phone at work. I felt bad calling out when I've only been there a short time but I need to get some rest.
I did see Ted last night at Jaime's & gave him the books. We chit-chatted a little bit (small talk) but that's about it. I came home early & tried to get some sleep but I kept coughing & my chest felt tight making me want to cough more no matter what position I lied in.
We were all talking about doing a "game night" which would be fun so I'm hoping it pans out. We went to Wal-mart last night & bought Scattagories plus I got some blank cd's so I could burn System of a Down's Mesmerize for one of our friends (I've only been telling him I'd do it for 2 months or so) & some cough drops.
Yeah, sorry - no excitement here ...
Complicated
I'm going to start backwards here. Friday night me, Jaime & 2 other friends (guys) went out to a restaurant/bar/arcade (Dave & Busters) & then headed back to her place. Her boyfriend, "Ted" & "Ted"'s roomate & brother came back at just about the same time. 3 of them were hammered (including Ted). Ted decided he needed to cook something so I offered to help & asked if I could spend the night at his place. He said sure so we went upstairs & starting cooking & he kissed me. So, he we are again. We kissed & hugged & goofed around (wrestling - not sex) & then he pretty much passed out.
In the midst of the kissing I brought up the night he popped the "lets just be friends" deal on me & asked why he did that & why he didn't want to have be intimate anymore (well, until Friday night). He told me that he didn't want me to think he wanted a girlfriend & that he didn't want to start thinking that way either. So, in a nutshell he DOES (not that I didn't know this) have feelings for me. For some reason he's holding back. I don't know why but, now I know for sure that I wasn't wrong that there are feelings between BOTH of us.
As, I said he passed out & we snuggled all night & then in the morning until I left. I'm just taking this at face value & not having any expectations. I'm just going to think of us as friends for now (really close ones) & just see what happens.
I however can't wait around for him so I'm still seeing Nigel (they're both aware). I told Nigel that I spent the night with Ted & did my best to explain the "relationship" between Ted & I which is basically just complicated. He asked if we had sex & I told him no (the truth). I told him that I would tell him if anything happened. We discussed our relationship & he told me that he's not seeing anyone else & he would tell me if he started to see someone else. So ... he's exclusive with me & me well, for the most part. I could never sleep with 2 different guys - it just wouldn't be right. But, at the same time I'm emotionally sleeping with them both so it's complicated.
Argh! I might see Ted tonight because I picked up some cookbooks for the guy because he desperately needs them & I'd like to drop them off. I'm not planning on anything more than that.
OMFG!
I just realized you can put my name in G**gle & my blog comes right up! Me & my ego adding my name to the bottom of my writings. I'll be editing THAT out right .... now!
Tomorrow
Cross your fingers everyone. I'm going to look at an apt tomorrow evening. It's in my price range, small, & right on my way to work! Plus, he's ok with me having 2 cats!! I have a good feeling about this :-) Things have been going so well & I really hope this is the next in a string of good happenings for me.
Going strong
Well, as the days are going by my spirits are lifting. I was driving to work this morning & listening to Maroon 5 & it was kind of depressing me however I decided to text Nigel & see if he wanted to spend the day together on Saturday & go shopping to get him a new necklace (the pendant broke off his). He texted me back excited about the idea so that perked me up & I'm looking forward to it :-) I told him before that I was going to pick it out & so he wants to pick out a new navel ring for me. We're so corny.
I can't believe how well things are going with him. My ex keeps asking me why Nigel & I don't spend more time together & I keep telling him that not
every relationship needs to be clingy. Plus, we've been spending about 3 nights a week together - to me that's enough. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right & why overkill - like the Joss Stone song -
Less is more: "slow it down, chill it out let it breath. 'Cause too much of a good thing can be ... bad. Less is more" -- less
is more! The way we're doing things works well for us & I don't want to compromise that just because someone else thinks we should spend more time together. Everyone is different & every relationship is as well.
Oh & it wasn't exactly audible so I could be waaaaayyy wrong but Nigel may have said he loved me when we were last making love. Now again, I could be
completely wrong here & for fear of I don't know what I didn't ask him to repeat it (besides, it would have ruined the "act" to have a conversation in the middle of it - come on!). And, he does say things like "Oh, Jacqui", "You feel so good" (very hot - mmmmm... oh - focus, sorry-) so if it was "I love you" - it could have been the heat of the moment & if not who knows.
It's only been a short while we've been dating & although we've sort of known each other a few years it's still too soon to feel
that strongly. Granted, I have quite a fondness for him that continually grows & it gives me an awesome feeling. When I think about him I smile & these feelings for him are surely replacing any I thought I had for "Ted". This however is a completely different relationship with different circumstances.
Honestly, looking back I think "Ted" may have been my rebound guy - even though I wasn't dumped so to speak I was just getting out of a relationship & had sooo much going on ... I was vulnerable. Now, if "Ted" crosses my mind - the visual (I don't know if anyone else thinks visually but I do) always ends up switching to Nigel as do my thoughts. And, these thoughts (of Nigel) are good, happy, healthy ones - not painful, confused, torn thoughts.
I'm making a change for the better & I'm proud of myself for that. I'm not completely letting my guard down this time but I'm not a closed door either.
And, in case anyone cares - work is going well. I had a rough day on Friday but this week has been great. My boss bought us all Chinese food today for lunch which was very nice.
Many thanks to everyone for posting comments on my last post. I always take what you say to heart & it makes me feel a gazillion times better knowing there's so many of you out there that understand what I feel. **hugs to each & every one of you **
Anniversary
Today is the 3 year anniversary of my mother passing.
I went to see her at the cemetary & just lost it. All I could think of was how dissapointed in me she must be. I wish I could talk to her, hear her voice again. Afterwards I didn't want to come home. I drove to a local lake/recreation area where I go often to think when I'm down. I sat there a while, smoking a cigarette on the anniversary of my mother's death from COPD & Emphysema. She must be so dissapointed in me.
I looked at the lake, thought of walking out to a part where the ice was melting & jumping in to drown, drown it all away. I looked over at the dam, the road above with guard rails on both sides & thought of pulling out of where I was, driving up there, pedal to the floor & crashing my car.
I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I ever let you go. You signed a DNR but they intubated you anyway. For a week you lay there slowly, finally letting go. I'm sorry I didn't get your call (the call you left on my cell voicemail a few days prior) until you'd been there 2 days ... alone ...
Before you had reached rock bottom you had that last pulse of energy they say people have. You sang songs with the Chaplin I had never heard you sing. How did you know those songs? You never went to church.
You told me you loved me. I told you I loved you. You said "I know you do". I told you I was sorry. You said it was ok. I asked you if you knew (what was happening to you, that you were dying) & you did. Again, I told you how sorry I was. I could have been there more (for you over the years) but, I couldn't stand to watch you die so slowly for all those years. You said "I know, it's ok" & you meant it.
Still, I hate that your life was in my hands. Why did you do that to me, to yourself?
When you were lying in the hospital bed weighing less than 80 pounds & they asked me if I should then allow your wishes I had to say yes.
Your other daughter (my sister) wanted me to keep you alive so she could see you one last time. She asked me time & time again as the days went by "Should I come up there?". I told her you were dying, but she wouldn't make the decision, she wanted me to, I told her you were dying that this was the end. She wouldn't listen, but I knew. She didn't book that ticket until the night you left me.
Everything was in my hands, all decisions were forced on me to decide. For 3 years I watched you kill yourself, smoking with the oxygen canula still in your nose. You didn't care if it blew up in your face, you'd given up. The woman that taught me to be independant, to be strong had thrown it all to the wind, had become everything she never wanted to be. I hated you for that. For those 3 years prior I knew exactly how long you had left, when it came, I knew it was the day.
And, the decision had to be made. I knew what that decision was. It was mine to make yet, out of my hands. You belonged to someone else and your life was now in His hands. I felt helpless & guided at the same time.
Your morphine was increased, the respirator taken off. As only your brain stem was making you breath, as your heartbeat slowed, you looked straight at me even though they said you were no longer here. I felt you ask me if I'd be ok. Words shared between 2 people on a level few would ever understand but I heard you, felt you as clear, as real as could be. That warmth that you feel when you hug someone you love, someone that loves you. I felt it. I told you not to worry, that I would be ok. I lied but it was enough for you to let go. I watched your heartbeat on the monitor slowly decrease to 0 & as your heart stopped, my heart was broken.
You're gone & part of me went with you. I'll never get that part of me back.For you mom:
Not AvailableIn my dreams your there.
In my waking hours I don’t fair -
So well without you.
Your words they gave me faith.
The advice you always gave.
Taken ---
Still I yearn to hear your voice.
Just one more time.
To see your smile.
Without seeing your face.
In times of such complication.
Such utter confusion and contemplation …
You always offered your heart and hand.
I need that now.
--JED
In my Minds EyeIn my minds eye
I cry
My thoughts are jumbled
As my heart crumbles
I hold them in
Within – only
I don’t think you’ll understand
For I am alone
Ever searching for one that is like me
But she is gone
And I am alone
Again - when she was here and I had no idea
No
I did not understand
For all that time
Denial.
I cried
In my minds eye
With thoughts jumbled and a broken heart
Trying to put together the pieces - lying before me so plain in sight … blind.
--JED
Your FaceWhen clear & open it’s forced I wander.
Searching for more, looking for answers to questions I ponder.
I try to avoid it but, your face …
I turn away sharply with tears in my eyes breathless.
I want to move on – so tired.
I want to be like everyone else – liar.
You made me this way should I just embrace it?
Why then do I just want to run from it with arms flailing, mad?
You don’t come to me in my dreams anymore.
I wish you would come talk to me …
--JED
Continued Bliss & Meet the Family
So, it continues. I'm loving this :-)
I went out with Nigel & his cousins & then his brother last night. I had a great time. His cousins are a lot of fun. He's really close with one of them & he's just a riot. It was great to get to know some of his family. I wonder if the parents are next?
It was sweet too because he's totally awesome with PDA & was often kissing me on the cheek, the lips, holding my hand or rubbing my leg or just looking at me & smiling & I would of course do the same. There's something so sexy about holding hands & exploring every inch with finger tips at the same time. We're always doing that. I really enjoy being with him. We were probably one of those annoying googley-eyed couples that you love to hate.
Afterwards we all went back to his place & started to watch King Kong (they have a copy already - yeah not legally) & I got to meet his good friend Leah & her boyfriend. They seem like good people too. Then he & I proceeded to his bedroom where the real fun began - he he. It was nice to get to actually spend the night with him because usually when I see him we both have to work in the morning so I end up having to come home.
It's funny when I think back. I used to work at the same place as him & see him all the time (but we never really talked) & I always wanted to get to know him better but we both kind of kept our distance because I was married. We'd both look at each other when I'd go out to his department & he'd always look like he wanted to say something to me but never would & I would never say anything to him. My friend Jaime used to say he was afraid of me & I'd agree but we both knew what it really was. The attraction was obvious.
I remember one time I had him help me with something because no-one else was around & he was right next to me (one of the few times I did talk to him) & I was all nervous & shaky to be talking to him & I think he was the same. Eventually, he & I started talking a little here & there but it was always small talk & awkward like highschool kids talking & being all nervous & shit.
At one of the lunch functions at work he won one of the prizes - a bamboo plant & gave it to me. It was so sweet & so incredibly awkward when he gave it to me. It sounds silly but that plant was always special to me. I brought it to my new job & have it in my cube to remind me of him :-)
I'm so incredibly corny it's not funny ...
Hey ...
So, things are still going great.
Nigel cooked me dinner Tuesday night - a fabulous pasta dish. I was making fun of him because every guy always cooks me freakin' pasta but what he made was incredible - he even made his own sauce!
It was sweet to watch him cook but, it was hard to keep our hands off each other while he was. It's funny how romantic cooking dinner can be.
Afterwards we retired to his bedroom (for a really awesome game of Monopoly - you perverts probably think it was really sex - ok, it was sex - twice yum). Then we talked & talked & got to know each other better. He's open about a lot of things (including talking about sex which is awesome & a must in any relationship) & I loved just talking with him & lying close to him. Plus, he always looks me right in the eyes like no-one else I've ever known & I LOVE that!
Oh & I loved this - afterwards when I was getting dressed & ready to leave (because we were lying there nekked talking for about an hour) I asked if my hair was all frizzy. He always grabs it from behind during sex & kind of cradles my head &/or pulls it a little & I tell him he's always knotting my hair. So of course he teases me & says that he's purposely making knots back there during sex to annoy me. I'm so off track here! So, I ask if it's messy & looks frizzy - basically like I just had sex & his reply was "Oh, NO it's just SEXY". I don't know why but that makes me smile & all warm & fuzzy.
He's really great. He always calls when he says he's going to & the other day he left me a voice mail calling me "hotstuff" & when he was cooking & we were talking & flirting he called me "babe" (in fact, I called him that in a text message too). Hmmm ... pet names? I really have a good feeling about this.
I like him, I like him a lot :-)
