Your FaceWhen clear & open it’s forced I wander.
Searching for more, looking for answers to questions I ponder.
I try to avoid it but, your face …
I turn away sharply with tears in my eyes breathless.
I want to move on – so tired.
I want to be like everyone else – liar.
You made me this way should I just embrace it?
Why then do I just want to run from it with arms flailing, mad?
You don’t come to me in my dreams anymore.
I wish you would come talk to me …
-- JED December 30, 2005
Thanks to my buddy Dan (link above) here's something fun & of course oh so true (well, it is partly!):
| Your Birthdate: February 21 |
 You're a restless rebel with an unpredictable nature.Bright but unbridled, you tend to seek out wild experiences over new ideas.People are frustrated by your great potential, but you love your unconventional life.You're a heartbreaker. People get attached to you, and then you're gone.
Your strength: Your thirst for adventure
Your weakness: Not taking time for slow pleasures
Your power color: Hot pink
Your power symbol: Figure eight
Your power month: March |
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?
It could be worse ...
I saw a lady today on the corner with a sign today on my way home from Sears:
"I'm homeless. Will work for food or gas. God Bless You"
This is a rarity in my small town, her & her husband are in fact the first in our town & now known among everyone (yup, that's how small our town is). In fact, my husband came home a few weeks ago & told me that a couple at his work stopped & gave them some money so they could get something to eat. Anyway, I drove by her & almost started crying because although I am unemployed I was about to get something to eat with the $ I do have so I drove up the road, turned around, drove back & gave her some of the cash I had on me. My actual intention was to take her out to eat & I asked her if she wanted to go to McDonald's or something but she said she had a sandwich (she probably thought I was nuts & she is partly right - LOL).
The poor woman has it much worse than me. I will get by & although I have issues that make things difficult for me I have a home. She has no home & her & her husband have to beg for food & money & live out of their car. I can't even imagine what that must be like for them.
So, get this:
As I was giving her the $ I was getting beeped at for holding up traffic!! Isn't that nice? Helping someone down on their luck & getting honked at for it. Anyway, he honked - I flipped him off (because that's how I am - fuck you dicknose - I'm helping this lady out!), proceeded to give her some $ & went on my merry way. I saw the guy hang his head down when he saw what I was doing as he put 2 & 2 together. He will think about that now for the rest of his day (jackass).
In my Minds EyeIn my minds eye
I cry
My thoughts are jumbled
As my heart crumbles
I hold them in
Within – only
I don’t think you’ll understand
For I am alone
Ever searching for one that is like me
But she is gone
And I am alone
Again - when she was here and I had no idea
No
I did not understand
For all that time
I cried
In my minds eye
With thoughts jumbled and a broken heart
Trying to put together the pieces - lying before me so plain in sight … blind.
JED (uh, yeah - that'd be me)
December 27, 2005
Merry Christmas/Happy Holiday's
My Ipod is beautiful (in case you were wondering) ...
Spending too much time in my head!
That's it. Lately I've been spending too much time in my head.
I love my shrink. I wish I could put her in a bottle & bring her home & rub the bottle & she'd pop out like a genie (poof!) & then I could just talk to her for an hour or so whenever I want to (& she wouldn't charge me). Now that would be awesome!
I told her today as I arrived 5 minutes late. The 2 most important things about me are these:
- I'm always late &
- My pants are always falling down
See, I'm really not that complicated. Oh & I'm also extremely judgemental. But, I don't lie about it & I'm likely to change my opinion later on. In fact - very likely to. I've been wrong about people. I've misjudged people more than once. I have quite a few close friends that I originally judged as fake, self-centered, snobs. They are kind of self-centered but they're not snobs - they just like to shop!
Quote for the Day
Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
--
Abraham Lincoln 16th president of US (1809 - 1865) .
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I remember this quote appealing to my mother & I way back when ... I think we were both baffled (& not to mention quite ticked off) because for us - it's not quite as easy. She had come across the quote, jotted it down in her journal & it remained there on the open page on the coffee table (which is now in my living room) for quite some time. Intriguing ... Looking back, I do believe both my mom & I overlooked that honest Abe used the term "most" there & we were both quite upset that we couldn't just reprogram ourselves like everyone else. Kind of like those word games where you're supposed to count the "f"'s in the sentences & so many people would get the count wrong - overlooking the obvious in the word of ...
I don't think these pills are helping
I'm getting all irritable again and I want to cry & I have no money & I hate myself & I don't want to eat & I'm fat & I'm really not but I feel like I am because I weigh more than I (I think I) should but I don't want to take a different pill because they'll make me gain weight & I need a job but I can't function well these days & my check bounced to my new shrink because I didn't balance my check book right because I'm an idiot & I hate myself & I always hated people like myself & now I am myself & I hate runon sentances & here I am creating the longest one none to man because I'm stupid & ugly & fat & dumb & senseless & stupid & stuff & at least I'm making myself laugh.
I want to reschedule my appointment with my shrink & I need to call her because I bounced the check & I don't know if she knows & I need to tell her & she's going to think I'm an ass (what a first impression) & I really need to see her but yet I need to reschedule because I can't afford to (catch 22). I hate that appt's are only 50 minutes when I really want to just see her for like a month straight to get myself fixed & move on with life as a normal person. That would make things so much easier. I don't want to be a work in progress, I want to be a completed work of art.
My blog has really made a complete change as have I - right down the fucking toilet & man it stinks. I obviously need to see my shrink. She was very nonchallent about payment. Would it be bad for me to go on Friday & mention immediately that the check was returned & that I will pay her with cash next week the return check, along with any fees? I just feel like a complete ass (which I am BTW - a complete & utter ass).
I don't want to to anything right now but cry and I don't even want to do that.
Fat, ugly and disgusting
yup that's me - there ya go!
I was going to post a new picture in my blog profile. One that's clearer. The one up there that you see was taken with an old camera phone. So I've been trying to get a good picture of myself & every time I just look like a big fucking fat, round faced cow so you aint getting a new picture - deal with it! Am I yelling at you or just at myself? Sorry guys - I think I'm just yelling at myself & now I've got the dog barking and the brownie container is falling off the counter for no reason - bad karma - I tell you makes strange things happen around me. Strange dreams, brownie containers falling off counters .... what next? Pretty soon Jim Brickman is going to hit a wrong note on the radio ...now that'd be embarrassing .... wait ... wait ... nope he made - it's all right.
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Apparently my karma is contained with the walls of my house. Good news folks!
.
Who knows. Maybe I'll surpise you all with a good mug shot one soon enough ..
.
One suprise I do have: I somehow with all my bad as shit karma have managed the energy to put together a chili in the crockpot & a bread in the oven (no not a bun in the oven) & I also managed to eat a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch (that my friends is my breakfast & lunch - the RBC that is - eating bores me). The chili will be my (& dear husbands) dinner (it smells good so that will help entice me to eat it!!). I must say I sure felt like Susie homemaker making that chili! I rather enjoyed myself. I did have to put the timer on (love that feature on the oven) with the bread because as I'm sure you fellow bipolars know if I don't I'm likely to go on to something else & forget I put the fucking thing in the oven.
I'm close to one of my let's tackle everything in the house moods but I guess the nice pill doctor has put a stop to that with the nice pills he has me on :-(. We'll see though because I have had problems sleeping the past few nights & that's usually a sure sign of mania to come. I have had some crazy ideas going through my head about going to the local paper and proposing an advice column that yours truly head up (one with "love advice" though instead of a dear abby type). I don't know if anyone out there watches the show Charmed but the character Pheobe played by Alyssa Milano does this very thing. Anyway, it sounds great but how does one with social anxiety pull such a task off? Plus I'm out of printer ink so how do I print a resume? I may have just enough left to maybe print one out - not so sure though. I swear ... me offer advice - what the heck was I thinking???
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Run, run as fast as you can!!! Excellent!
I swear I'm crazy no wait I'm normal
no wait I'm crazy - which is it?
This is becoming my normal routine wtf? I'm overanalyzing myself & it's getting out of hand I swear. Now I've always been an overanalyzer, it's part of my existence - it's what makes me - well, me but jeeze!
Here's something interesting:When I was a teenager I dreamt I was someone else dying. I was in fact a man with dark hair, a mustache & I was (he was) in bed, dying (dead) & angelic voices were calling his name. The air (or atmosphere) around me (him) was bluish & then reddish in color with stars. My name (his name) escapes me now. Oh, what was it ... I forget. Regardless. I was & still am positive that I was in his body when he died. Sounds crazy huh?
Two nights ago I dreamt my own death:I was home. I knew I was going to die. I was talking (in my own mind of course) to God & was "saying" can I go upstairs & lie down in my own bad rather than collapsing & dying on the floor & he said yes. I proceeded to walk upstairs (rather calmly) & lay down on my bed. I was happy to see my cat (who I call my little angel & swear he's my guardian angel). I put my hand on him when I laid down & I felt him - his fur - I remember
feeling his fur in my dream (& when I woke up). I had a conversation with God in my head about it being ok that I was never Christened or baptized & that I had no need to fear going to hell, that I was a good person & he loved & accepted me & it was time. I was ready to die & I closed my eyes to die, at peace. This dream took place at current, it was not in the future.
I don't know. This freaks me out. I tend to have a 6th sense. But then, I also had a couple Coronas after taking my pills. But, I mean literally a couple - just 2 not like 12 so would that really have that kind of affect? I do have a vivid imagination & I do have a lot going through my head right now so I can see how my subconscious mind would want to put my conscious mind at ease ...
Anyway, hence my title ....
ARRRGGGGHHH!!!
What a day.
I'm not sure what I feel today. I have my first appt with a new therapist today at noon and I'm nervous as all shit. She was recommended by my old one but still. I have to basically fill her in all over again? She specializes in BPD so that's great. I have such a hard time feeling like I'm some kind of freak or something with this darned disorder. I can't get past that. Even my sister thinks that - I swear! Don't believe me? Ok, ok. See for yourself:
And, I quote: "this is one job where you can't have your judgment impaired/shaded-you know what I mean, especially if something should happen which could be life threatening to someone"
I'm unemployed & I have signed up to take the first in a series of exams to become a local town police officer. That is what she is referring to. I will eventually need to take the psych exam. Will they hold me back because I have BPD? I'm going to have to ask my new doc this today. I am on medication for it & being treated so I sure hope not. My town consists of about 7,000 people so it's not a huge town.
Anyway, I guess I should jump in the shower here. My appt is at noon & it's about 10am here.
I'm around sitting home
staring at my wrapped Ipod Nano (DH & I are bad at keeping secrets) under the tree, unemployed (none too pleased yet pleased at the same time - I'll spare you the details) in my pj's drinking coffee watching Good Morning America on the boob-tube.
What are you all doing?
