I'm back .. - just from a comment:
Love is letting someone into your heart knowing they CAN break it, but trusting them NOT to.
-- that was a comment Dan posted once & he's so right & I know it but, I just can't bring myself to the trusting part ... lol ... still, thanks Dan :-)
I'm sending him an email via myspace as well ... because I've been soooooooooo out of touch ...
Today has been quite a reality check!
I had a friend at work challenge me about my relationship with Nigel & he helped put a lot in perspective. Unfortunately, we only had a 10 minute conversation but he's very insightful & a wonderful, caring person. We're doing lunch tomorrow to talk about it more. Basically, I'm letting myself let Nigel hold me back in more ways than I care to acknowledge. I've none it for some time but, I've been putting any & all decisions regarding it on the back burner. Not quite the "ignore it & it will go away" frame of mind but similar .. more the making a decision by not making a decision frame of mind. I know what I have to do ... I just don't want to ... I have to let him go - for good.
Anyway, more on this tomorrow probably ...
I wrote this a little while back but it still pertains ..
Driving down a road aimlessly with such desire to find the right route.
I try to look at all options but all I see is you.
You hurt me, you love me, you push me away.
You want me, you don’t want me, you ask me to stay.
I can’t continue this, this painful, unending game.
It hurts so bad, I just want resolution but I can’t see beyond the pain.
I love you, I hate you, I love you even more.
It kills me to even think of shutting you out, closing the door.
Is there a chance?
I'm back ...
At least temporarily. I've been using MySpace so much lately & with the move & all haven't been on here much. I'm getting to the point though where I need to blog-away & it's far too personal for MySpace ...
Nigel came down to visit Wed night & left today. It was so nice & yet so painful to see him. I'm so sad right now & it's driving me up a wall. I don't even know what to type here frankly but I can say that I'm a complete idiot for falling in love with someone ...
Hey all ...
I'm not being very good about keeping this up but, I still want to stay in touch with everyone sooooo .... check out my MySpace (which I'm on religiously since having moved) & add me as a friend.
It's: http://www.myspace.com/crashcrazylaughter
Some of you, I may have already emailed thanks to maggs slipping me a note a while back :-)
*hugs*
~~ J
K...so I am alive...
Hey all. Don't know if you're still stopping by to check on me or what but, I wanted to update this. I lost my internet at home (along with the cable) since I was so hurting for money. I never bothered to get it back.
I'm now living in FL. Just moved down here this week. I'm living with my sister, brother-in-law & niece. It's been a long time coming. I hit rock bottom (& a tree in my new jeep). I'm not up to going into detail right now. Just know that I'm ok, I'm starting over.
But, tell me ... how do we start over when we can get over the past?
Nothing on ..
tv .. no matter how many channels you have - there's hardly ever anything on - ugh!
I was very down yesterday after realizing I am pretty much out of money again. Money is so unimportant until you don't have any - then it's the most important thing in the world. Additionally, I have no full time job & I don't know where my life is going or where my love-life is going. I'm in love with someone (no matter how hard I tried not to be) that is trying his damndest to not be in love with me.
So ... I tried to just go to bed to get my mind off of everything (this is around 4pmish). Then Nigel comes home (around 5ish) to get ready to go to a Matisyahu concert with his cousin (who came over as well since he was driving). So .. I eventually got up (around 5:30ish) & went out to smoke a cigarette (shut up) because they were being too loud for me to sleep (not that I actually was able to fall asleep prior anyway but..). Nigel keeps looking at me but, I can't bring myself to put on the happy face when all I wanted to do was cry ... So, once he's ready to leave he gives me a kiss on the forehead & proceeds out the door. I, in the meantime proceed to sit on the couch & stare at the TV (which wasn't on) & he comes back in the apt. with his coat & ask me if I'm ok. I said "Yea ... I'm fine .. just feeling blah". He says "Blah? What's that?". So I said - "I'm just low, I'll be fine". He says "Yea, I know .. I could tell. Me too" & kisses me again on the forehead. I told him to have fun & he took off.
He's too sweet to me. I just wish it could be what I want it to be but, right now .. I don't know that either of can commit for fear of getting hurt or hurting the other. Wait... I take that back ... I am committed ... I made a few changes in my lifestyle & I am committed to him 100% now. I even told him I'd broken all ties with a guyfriend I had because I didn't think it was fair to either of them.
Where will this lead? I so wish I could just know now ...
