Nothing on ..
tv .. no matter how many channels you have - there's hardly ever anything on - ugh!I was very down yesterday after realizing I am pretty much out of money again. Money is so unimportant until you don't have any - then it's the most important thing in the world. Additionally, I have no full time job & I don't know where my life is going or where my love-life is going. I'm in love with someone (no matter how hard I tried not to be) that is trying his damndest to not be in love with me.
So ... I tried to just go to bed to get my mind off of everything (this is around 4pmish). Then Nigel comes home (around 5ish) to get ready to go to a Matisyahu concert with his cousin (who came over as well since he was driving). So .. I eventually got up (around 5:30ish) & went out to smoke a cigarette (shut up) because they were being too loud for me to sleep (not that I actually was able to fall asleep prior anyway but..). Nigel keeps looking at me but, I can't bring myself to put on the happy face when all I wanted to do was cry ... So, once he's ready to leave he gives me a kiss on the forehead & proceeds out the door. I, in the meantime proceed to sit on the couch & stare at the TV (which wasn't on) & he comes back in the apt. with his coat & ask me if I'm ok. I said "Yea ... I'm fine .. just feeling blah". He says "Blah? What's that?". So I said - "I'm just low, I'll be fine". He says "Yea, I know .. I could tell. Me too" & kisses me again on the forehead. I told him to have fun & he took off.
He's too sweet to me. I just wish it could be what I want it to be but, right now .. I don't know that either of can commit for fear of getting hurt or hurting the other. Wait... I take that back ... I am committed ... I made a few changes in my lifestyle & I am committed to him 100% now. I even told him I'd broken all ties with a guyfriend I had because I didn't think it was fair to either of them.
Where will this lead? I so wish I could just know now ...
posted by Openfields @ 11:37 AM
