FuCkiNg EvErYtHiNg Up
Yes, I am.I haven't written much about Nigel lately (or haven't written much lately). After getting tests it was confirmed he has mono so he has been virtually non-existant over here. We were keeping in touch & after a rock-bottom low on Easter I practically begged him to come over.
I was lying in bed day-dreaming about slitting my wrists & lying in the bath tub to waste away instead. Then I thought that might be messy so I was considering pills but all I had was a bottle of DayQuil (which I also considered - but what would that do? A few bottles of multi-vitamins? But what would they do?).
I was of course alone on Easter. I have no family near by & the only one that ever bother's to contact me is my sister & she didn't even call me the entire day because she has her husband, baby & his family - so why think of me? I tried to keep busy, did dishes, swept, swiffer wet-jetted, made the apt spotless, painted my toenails, forced myself to take a shower all the while almost crying but, holding back - convincing myself I was being foolish. There are other people alone on Easter & it's just a day - why get all worked up? Why am I so fucking important? Ridiculous!
I was waiting for Nigel to call me, he'd said he would after he spent the day with his family (they were doing lunch) & then come over after.
I waited & waited ... If it were any other day would it matter? Not as much I suppose.
Eventually I decided he forgot about me & didn't care so I just laid down (to daydream - see above) & after I finally got up & he called & told me he was going to stay home I almost lost it. (He'd been doing this to me for well over a week - saying he'd come over & then saying he's not because he's too sick & weak (which he was/is & I understand but, at the same time I was feeling rejected & overanalyzing it of course).)
I was in the mindframe that I wanted to be alone but, knew I shouldn't be. That's exactly what I told him. He said he would come over but, he would probably just sit here - I said that's all I needed. He did come over, he came in as I was finishing up some writing & going through old writings (real smart when you're already down - get lower). We watched a movie & talked a little bit & he hugged me a lot & was real sweet & then we went to bed & he held me for a little while before he eventually fell asleep. I was up for hours until I fell asleep.
I must have thanked him a gazillion times & he said "that's what friends are for". His family has a history of depression so he understands it & understood why I needed him here. I still felt like crap making him come over which made matters worse but, I knew I had to do it. (He even called me "hon" that day which was something new although I've been calling him "babe") I still felt silly that of all people I called on him. But, there was nobody else around & I've been pretty open with him about everything. He knows I don't have any medication & asked me if I could get it without insurance (not an option at over $300 for a months worth).
Anyway, It was one of the worst days I've ever experienced. I hope that's not what I have to look forward to living alone. Was it an isolated incident triggered by the holiday? I'd like to think so but ...
Ok, so why did I say I'm Fucking everything up? Well, Nigel & I have been talking off & on since Easter but having mono & needing to recover he was told to not even drive. To only stay home & rest. His spleen is/was enlarged & if he's too active it could rupture (well, mostly if he lifts anything heavy or gets popped in the abdomen). So, he's getting frustrated with that & off & on getting depressed as well.
Now, I haven't seen him since Easter. We've talked here & there & I'm getting the feeling that he thinks all I want him for is sex. Granted I'm a horny girl (you all know that) but it's more than that! Me & my big mough huh? You sleep with a guy too early in the relationship or tell a guy you're horny & he thinks that's all you want.
I remember one night when he came over when the mono was just hitting him & he said "Sorry, but I'm going to be useless to you tonight." I guess it's my own fault. I would tease him & tell him he needs to get better because I'm horny. Then I'd call him to see how he's doing & he'd plan to come over because early on he was ok at the beginning of the day & then at night it'd hit him & he'd have to cancel. Somehow, he got the impression that all I wanted was sex. Apparently, it's in his head that when I call or text him to see how he is I really mean "Can we fuck yet?" when I really mean - how are you feeling? How did him coming over turn into us having sex? I guess I mentioned sex too much. I'm starting to feel like a tramp.
We talked today after I texted him & he's feeling better but, still sick & getting annoyed with being stuck in a house all day. Considering how he's feeling (& wanting to see him) I said "Well, if you're up to coming over you know you can." This must have translated to "Well, if you're up to cumming over here you know you can." Because then he said he can't really be doing any activities. I being the complete scatterbrain (between up & down & down & down lately) didn't even catch what he meant until afterwards when I was thinking about our conversation which ended kind of abruptly & I think he was getting a tone, it felt forced.
So, I'm sitting at my desk at work & realize that he meant "sex" when he said "activities"! Is that all he thinks I want? Maybe that's all he wants? (this is what's going through my head as I'm supposed to be working) What if it is all he wants? Then what? Where is this going? I don't get it - he called me "hon" a couple weeks ago & now this? Is this a fight? ARGH!
I hate to leave things unresolved so I text him "It just ocurred to me from the way you sounded that u may think I just check on u because I want 1 thing - "activity". That's not it." You can only type so many characters in a text message so I had to shorten it. At first I wanted to say "I suppose I deserve that" but, then it would make me sound all needy & I'm already petrified that I'm coming across needy, or clingy, or annoying, or God knows what. I of course sounded needy anyway didn't I?
The funny thing is that I thought that if anything I was acting like to much of a mother figure always wanting to see how he's feeling. Then I was like - no, dumbass - you just look like the neediest freak in the world.
He didn't call or text me back. I think he's annoyed with me & I think he's going to put an end to us. Then what? I'm worried that I opened up too much to him & now he thinks I'm a freakazoid, needy, annoying, trashy girl. At the same time I think he & I need to talk but, I'm worried we'll argue or something & he'll definitely dump me. I don't want to turn it around on me when he's sick - then I am needy. I'm needy aren't I? Yes, I am. I hate myself right now. I've become exactly what I hate. Relying on others ...
I think I'm just going to go to bed for the night. It's that or sit here & cry & I don't want puffy eyes in the morning.
posted by Openfields @ 5:40 PM
