Open Fields

Ha!

My laptop fell ill & had to go to the doctor (ok, it had to be repaired) so I haven't been blogging in quite some time. I apologize for appearing to drop off the face of the earth. I however (obviously) am not dead (in case you were wondering or hoping - LOL).

Unfortunately, my old desktop computer is slow & kept crashing when I tried to go online so I have been out of touch with the online world & my online friends ...

So, what's been going on?

It turns out that I fell into a major depression (not to be confused with falling into a well although there are similarities as I'm sure some readers will understand). I did not realize it was happening until I was reading one of the books that my therapist recommended & saw that all the symptoms applied. I found that odd.

Anyway, keeping that in mind I was sitting around late in the day unshowered (actually, kind of like right now but I will be showering soon) & thought to myself "I need to take a freakin' shower & get moving." So I got up & moved to the stairs to go my bedroom to get clothes to change into after getting out of the shower (the full bath is on the first level in our gambrell/dutch colonial style house). I got to the 3rd step & couldn't go any further. I collapsed & started crying uncontrollably. My poor dog was running up & down the stairs & jumping at me patting my back & then my legs not knowing what was wrong. I couldn't stop, I couldn't move. I was frozen, helpless, lost. Then, my husband came home - EARLY & he starts banging on the door - I thought he was playing with the dog (because they do that sometimes) however it turns out that he didn't have his key for the deadbolt (I didn't even realize I'd locked the door). I couldn't move, I couldn't stop crying, I was worthless & I couldn't believe he was going to see me like this. Why was I like this? Why couldn't I be normal like him? Why me? What did I do to deserve this pain, this suffering? Where does it come from & why wont it stop?

I found the strength to get up. I opened the door & let him in & went straight to the bathroom humiliated. He must have seen my eyes glowing redder then a bright red traffic light. My eyes are blue & when I cry the whites of my eyes are instantly red & the blue is a blue like no other. There's no saying I haven't been crying when I have been because it's as obvious as it gets. I sat on the floor crying. Do I leave the bathroom & let him see me like this? I have to. He is all I have & he grounds me (Beverly - my therapist agrees that his interaction is often enough to settle my feelings at least temporarily). I opened the door & went back into the living room & sat in the recliner. He was making coffee & he came in & sat down & looked at me. He (of course) had noticed my eyes & we talked. I instantly felt better. The humiliation was gone. He said it's ok that I don't need to be embarrassed for having a "brain attack" & we both laughed.

He took me out to eat & I thanked him on the way there (holding his hand) in the car for being there for me. He's not the most emotional guy. I was always afraid to "come out" & held back my depression & bi-polar from him (at least talking about it anyway) & I would cry in another room or hold it in. Now I know that he is here for me & he knows what to do to help me. I had no idea that he would know exactly what to do to make me feel better. And do you know what it is? What he did? He showed that he cares. That he loves me & that he understands.


The Topamax was making me so incredibly doped up that I was forced to make lists for everything, to use a timer because I had no grasp of time, to forget words, names, to not get a solid nights sleep nor be able to take naps, to feel incredibly stoned, to be stuck in a depressive state, to not want to eat - to have to make myself eat, to have no energy at all. When I tapered off of it down to 100 twice a day that's when I hit that major depression. Beverly thinks the Topamax triggered it & insisted I talk to my Pdoc who thinks my losing my job also triggered it.

I am now tapered down to 25 twice a day & tomorrow is my last day. Sunday, I start Lamictal.

I haven't been able to get to sleep for about a week & a 1/2 & yesterday I organized my entire closet & put away my husbands clothes as well as doing the dishes. I started exercising again last week & will be buying a treadmill to complete my home gym next week. I thought maybe I was going manic (my pdoc is concerned that I might with the tapering & medication switch & with my not being able to sleep) & I would welcome it but I don't want to crash again - that was awful. The exercise will help. When I run - it helps me tremendously with the depression & I am going out with friends next week - that will be good too. We're going to a hockey game in Boston.

Anyone else on this Lamictal? Please tell me it doesn't make you dopey!! I can't function having to compensate with all these aids to help me get by with my normal life. Also, how about drinking with it? One or two Coronas - will that be ok? What are your thoughts. I'm not a major drinker because alcoholism runs in my family (my mom's side) so I try to be careful & usually only have a couple at home once in a while with my husband. I'm not worried about weight gain - I'm going to be exercising so & watching what I'm eating so hopefully like I said (wrote) above this counters the depression.

Oh & one more thing. Check out Lucy's new scrubs: