Huh?
I don't know.I finally saw Nigel tonight & it was nice but, we talked about our "relationship" & it doesn't seem to be anything right now. He has a lot of stress in his life right now & tends to get full into a relationship & doesn't forsee that as something he wants right now. How do I take that? I don't really know what I want so it's hard for me to judge him by his comments. Part of me wonders if that means I'm not good enough for him ...
Part of me wants to crawl under a rock & forget everyone. Or just end it all. I mean, I'm never going to be happy right?
Part of me wants to go out & meet a new guy. It's not like Nigel & I are physical & he's pretty much ok'd me seeing other guys as long as I tell him. He did say it'd be hard at first but, he wants to continue to be friends if that does come up because he considers me a really good friend. He's not seeing anyone else right now but ...
What to do ... what to do ... It stinks because I do really like him but, honestly I do know that he's not "the one". If anyone I had (have) more feelings for "Ted".
Did I tell you that I spent last/last weekend night with Ted? Well, I went over Jaime's house to "help her move" but everyone had stopped helping by the time I got there (9ish) & was drinking & playing beer pong. So, I of course joined in & got a bit tipsy & stayed over "Ted's". Well, nothing happened save for sleeping. I even talked to Nigel on the phone while in Ted's apt. It was nice to be close to Ted though although it was ok to just sleep because I knew it wouldn't be right for anything more (plus - he passed out - LOL).
I'm just really, really lonely right now. Why do I think I need to fill that void with a man? Why? I know if I look back I can say it's due to my upbringing but, how do I change that method of thinking? Besides, I'm so horny!!!!!
I'm not in a good place. Lonely, thinking of just giving up & self medicating. When will this end? I can't take it much longer. I just can't.
posted by Openfields @ 9:37 PM
