Inner workings
Tonights workout will be back & bi's & chest & tri's because I missed my workout having had appt's & was a bad doobie & didn't work around my appt's like I should have. It's sad, I remember when nothing interfered with my workouts & I can't wait to get my head straight so I can get back on track! I'm on way.My appointment with the psychologist went really well although I almost walked out when I realized that my appointment was with the same lady that did our Sexual harassment training at the office! I toughed it out & stayed though & I'm glad I did. She has great insight & just talking to her did wonders. She confirmed that I am indeed depressed (duh*) & that I should surely be on medication. She is not sure if I am bi-polar as my previous doc thought however she said that that takes time to determine & made me an appt with one of the psychiatrists (the one that she admits she likes the best) for the 24th. I will have another meeting with her before hand (next Thursday) as well.
It feels so good to talk to someone that understands me. We all think we're so individual however depressed people fall into symptoms & character so incredibly similar to each other that they are easily categorized. She'll ask me questions & I'll be saying "Yes!" & thinking to myself - "Wow, she really knows me!". It's so enlightening. Knowing that she knows my (I hate to call it this but) illness I feel confident that she & my other doc can help me to get better control of it.
I know, I haven't shared much (if anything) about this on here so you're all probably bored to death, rolling your eyes or just plain baffled. Here's why: I see my depression as a weakness & I don't take well to weak people. Sounds brutal doesn't it? I've always been like that. I'm the most judgmental person I know. Well, my doctor (Kathy) says that's a result of my upbringing (abusive, alcoholism, yada, yada, yada - I'll spare you details). She said that children brought up in those circumstances tend to be the most judgmental (even of themselves - which is me to a "T"). Again, my meeting with her was so ENLIGHTENING! How strange that I find comfort in knowing that I'm a stereotype! LOL It's especially funny since I always strive to be different.
Well, enough about me & my inner workings but I am struggling to get through something right now so please bear with me. If you want to take a break from reading my blog for a while - I wont be insulted. This blog is as much for me as it is for you :-)
* Depression is not to be confused with people that are just sad & are in the dumps. People with depression can not just make a list of the things good & bad in their lives, slowly phase out the bad & be happy, smiling people like a good friend of mine suggested to me. This was suggested to me via email & I just couldn't respond. I mean how do I respond to that?
I will say that her response is as much my fault as hers because she is not aware that my issues are more than just a rainy day because I've never told her. Her comment/advice is still insulting to me. If it were that easy doesn't she think I would have done that over 20 years ago? It's people such as her that do not understand depression that make people such as me be harder on myself & avoid treatment thinking I should be able to FIX this on my own! Not to blame her or speak bad of her because I do adore her & I again want to point out that she is a great friend & she is as strong minded as me. It's just that people like that make it that much harder for people like me to focus on themselves - they make me feel selfish. I judge myself more than I judge anyone else & her "advice" makes it all the more hard.
I mentioned that to my doctor & she pointed out the obvious - that my friend doesn't understand. It's a chemical imbalance not just a sad mood. I can't FIX it (trust me, I've been trying for 20 years) by making a list. With treatment I'm sure that making such a list will help me but it wont cure me.
As much as I like to play the girl with all the confidence in the world that only thinks about "Me! Me! Me!" it's just an act. I hate to admit that I can't FIX this problem. I wish I could & I struggle with the fact that I can't. It actually embarrasses me to no end to admit that I have this problem. I can't explain why other than not wanting to appear weak or admit that I have something I can't control. I finally realize that in order to get IN CONTROL again I have to admit this & address it & seek treatment. I am on a path & I know this time that it's the right one.
posted by Openfields @ 12:33 PM
