Accountability
I came across this on Bipolar Princess' blog (http://bipolarprincess.blogspot.com). It's from An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison:Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and ephoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against - you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.
What I've italicized & kept in black font strikes a chord with me. With what I did the other night. But, then I can't very well blame it on my illness & not accept responsibility. And, because I am not happy in my marriage (& truly haven't been for years) this doesn't make it "ok" either.
What's worse is that I still crave him. His touch, his mouth on mine (so soft, lingering on his bottom lip time & time again, so much time kissing, like teenagers making out for the first time), the force with which he takes me (aggresive, so sure of himself, yet with care and feeling that I've never felt before). The tension has been there between us for some time now but we've always held back. Nothing more then harmless dancing when we're out with friends or a slight touch in passing, looks shared only between us. Little did I know that everyone saw the sexual tension. That night, all it took was one kiss & we both gave in. We didn't even think twice.
How can I feel that? How can a decent human being that truly cares for people (including my husband) still feel that for another man? I've thought of leaving him before. We've come so close to divorce but I never have the strength to do it - to be alone. There is no passion when we make love. It's a deed that needs to be done. I get pleasured, he gets pleasured & we're done. It's always the same unless I change it up. Sex isn't everything, I know but when I say "I love you" back to him - I don't feel it like a wife should - they are just words. Just words. That's not enough.
posted by Openfields @ 2:56 PM
