Anniversary
Today is the 3 year anniversary of my mother passing.I went to see her at the cemetary & just lost it. All I could think of was how dissapointed in me she must be. I wish I could talk to her, hear her voice again. Afterwards I didn't want to come home. I drove to a local lake/recreation area where I go often to think when I'm down. I sat there a while, smoking a cigarette on the anniversary of my mother's death from COPD & Emphysema. She must be so dissapointed in me.
I looked at the lake, thought of walking out to a part where the ice was melting & jumping in to drown, drown it all away. I looked over at the dam, the road above with guard rails on both sides & thought of pulling out of where I was, driving up there, pedal to the floor & crashing my car.
I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I ever let you go. You signed a DNR but they intubated you anyway. For a week you lay there slowly, finally letting go. I'm sorry I didn't get your call (the call you left on my cell voicemail a few days prior) until you'd been there 2 days ... alone ...
Before you had reached rock bottom you had that last pulse of energy they say people have. You sang songs with the Chaplin I had never heard you sing. How did you know those songs? You never went to church.
You told me you loved me. I told you I loved you. You said "I know you do". I told you I was sorry. You said it was ok. I asked you if you knew (what was happening to you, that you were dying) & you did. Again, I told you how sorry I was. I could have been there more (for you over the years) but, I couldn't stand to watch you die so slowly for all those years. You said "I know, it's ok" & you meant it.
Still, I hate that your life was in my hands. Why did you do that to me, to yourself?
When you were lying in the hospital bed weighing less than 80 pounds & they asked me if I should then allow your wishes I had to say yes.
Your other daughter (my sister) wanted me to keep you alive so she could see you one last time. She asked me time & time again as the days went by "Should I come up there?". I told her you were dying, but she wouldn't make the decision, she wanted me to, I told her you were dying that this was the end. She wouldn't listen, but I knew. She didn't book that ticket until the night you left me.
Everything was in my hands, all decisions were forced on me to decide. For 3 years I watched you kill yourself, smoking with the oxygen canula still in your nose. You didn't care if it blew up in your face, you'd given up. The woman that taught me to be independant, to be strong had thrown it all to the wind, had become everything she never wanted to be. I hated you for that. For those 3 years prior I knew exactly how long you had left, when it came, I knew it was the day.
And, the decision had to be made. I knew what that decision was. It was mine to make yet, out of my hands. You belonged to someone else and your life was now in His hands. I felt helpless & guided at the same time.
Your morphine was increased, the respirator taken off. As only your brain stem was making you breath, as your heartbeat slowed, you looked straight at me even though they said you were no longer here. I felt you ask me if I'd be ok. Words shared between 2 people on a level few would ever understand but I heard you, felt you as clear, as real as could be. That warmth that you feel when you hug someone you love, someone that loves you. I felt it. I told you not to worry, that I would be ok. I lied but it was enough for you to let go. I watched your heartbeat on the monitor slowly decrease to 0 & as your heart stopped, my heart was broken.
You're gone & part of me went with you. I'll never get that part of me back.
For you mom:
Not Available
In my dreams your there.
In my waking hours I don’t fair -
So well without you.
Your words they gave me faith.
The advice you always gave.
Taken ---
Still I yearn to hear your voice.
Just one more time.
To see your smile.
Without seeing your face.
In times of such complication.
Such utter confusion and contemplation …
You always offered your heart and hand.
I need that now.
--JED
In my Minds Eye
In my minds eye
I cry
My thoughts are jumbled
As my heart crumbles
I hold them in
Within – only
I don’t think you’ll understand
For I am alone
Ever searching for one that is like me
But she is gone
And I am alone
Again - when she was here and I had no idea
No
I did not understand
For all that time
Denial.
I cried
In my minds eye
With thoughts jumbled and a broken heart
Trying to put together the pieces - lying before me so plain in sight … blind.
--JED
Your Face
When clear & open it’s forced I wander.
Searching for more, looking for answers to questions I ponder.
I try to avoid it but, your face …
I turn away sharply with tears in my eyes breathless.
I want to move on – so tired.
I want to be like everyone else – liar.
You made me this way should I just embrace it?
Why then do I just want to run from it with arms flailing, mad?
You don’t come to me in my dreams anymore.
I wish you would come talk to me …
--JED
posted by Openfields @ 11:37 AM
