I'm in
After a lot of bitterness I will be staying home with the soon to be ex-husband until I get a place. I'm going to my sisters for an extended weekend however (she lives in West Palm Beach) because the ex has plans & the people involved know what happened (not wanting awkwardness I have chosen to go with the plans to go to FL).
I let "Ted" in on it & he sounded almost sad that I'd be gone that long. I'm trying not to analyze things with him so much & laying off the questions & it feels good. In fact, with his almost dissapointment over my extended visit to FL it kind of reassured me of his potential feelings for me. But, again - no over analyzing :0
I am also leafing through our local papers in an effort to get an idea of apartment rent costs & they don't look too bad. I will also consider moving in with someone (as a roomate) so I'm looking for that as well (for cost reasons).
We decided I would get the dog & 2 cats (possibly 1 though - we'll see). Loving our pets like children though visitation may be needed. We talked a lot tonight & I think that us being friends as well is going to help us through this.
Things are looking up so keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks to all of you for offering your advice & support - it means a lot *hugs*
** For your reading enjoyment & several laughs - check out this blog - it's just well, excellent:
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
Unsure
Well the last week has been interesting to say the least. Last night however - I think took the cake.
We had awesome sex (as usual) & the freaking condom broke! I'm not on the pill so there was no back-up contraceptive in place here. Fucking-A! So, as he was trying not to panic I told him not to worry - that I would go to Planned Parenthood or call my OB-Gyn & get the "morning after pill". I called my OB-Gyn this am & she called in the prescription for me - Thank God!
How fucked up would that be? I don't need that going on right now.
And, yesterday I had to up my Lamictal to 2 pills a day (I think it's 50mg's now) & I woke up really early in the morning to roll over & OMG do my fucking legs hurt! They hurt all the way up near my torso area (in the front only). Now I'm not sure if it's really the Lamictal or the sex last night (considering I thought I was an acrobat & put my legs up around his shoulders while he slammed the shit ...) Wow, am I getting a potty mouth!
After sex last night (after telling him I love kissing him & could just him 24 hours a day) we talked about our "relationship" a little more. He confuses me so much because one day he'll be telling me that he's shared more about the real him with me then with any other girl & then the next day he can only give me unsurities (is that a word?). I feel like I'm forcing answers out of him that he can't give because I can't very well give answers either. Why do I do that? I don't want to drive him away.
He did say that he's had just sex relationships in the past & one-night stands where he specifically told the girl that was all he wanted. I asked him if he'd tell me if that was the case with us & he said he would & that it wasn't just sex. He has mentioned before that he likes me a lot & mentioned our mutual friends & how cool it is to go out with them & me. I asked him if he just felt awkward changing things or ending things with me BECAUSE of our mutual friends & he said no. I told him it'd be totally ok if that were it & that he could tell me & we could still all hang out - no big deal but he still held fast to his original statement.
I told him yesterday that he's so not my type (the way he dresses & talks, where he lives etc) with the exception of intellectually & his goal oriented nature. He was surprised by this. I asked him what his type was & he say any type because everyone is different. He refused to give me an answer.
What do you all think about this? Do you have a type?
On another note - when we were talking last night I also asked him what he liked in bed - his favorite position, what have you & again he wouldn't answer me! Drove me nuts! He said he likes it all - what kind of answer is that? Is it because he's young? I told him what I liked in hopes of that stirring up something but ... nope.
What do you all think of this? Do you think he's just shy - afraid to tell me?
I don't get it because considering the way he takes me - there's NO shyness there - NONE!
Am I overanalyzing the whole thing instead of just enjoying the ride? I strongly think I am but I can't help it (it's the way I am - I'm sure you all understand this). I don't want to jump into an actual relationship. I told him this & he said the same thing - he's not looking for a long-term relationship. What's fucked up however is that I think that's what's brewing here. Maybe that's why I'm analyzing the shit out of it. Either way, with the ending of my marriage & the beginning of whatever I have with "Ted" I'm getting scared. I think I might be developing feelings for this guy --> it's only been 1 week & 3 days (well since the first night we spent together - we've known each other socially for about 6 months+). I also think he's struggling with this same problem - judging by his mixed communications.
What do you guys/gals think?? I'd really appreciate your input :-)
DefeatedThe touch of your hand on my skin.
Your breath against my cheek.
I want to feel you within -
My inner self – you make me so weak.
A woman with no ability nor desire to say no.
You’ve instilled in me such want, with no control.
A beginning from the end – do we want to start back?
I ask this of you but then wonder if I want this myself.
A direction, a purpose – something we both lack.
Do I continue, impede? Being with you & what I felt …
So new, so unexpected.
Your smile with thoughts behind it – you won’t share.
Often jaded, misguided, no recollection.
When you dare.
Still in my mind, my thoughts (no one knows) you remain.
I can’t understand for this to me is strange.
I want your hands on me, your lips on mine.
Hard but soft as can be all at the same time …
-- JED
-- January 30, 2006
1st double "date"
Well we went on what I guess is considered our 1st double date last night. The reality is that we just went out to eat with our friends that I've been staying with but still we were a couple not just a guy & a girl going out with our friends. Plus, he bought my dinner which was very sweet (& I told him he didn't have to do that but he did anyway).
It's kind of strange because we're showing affection in front of our friends now (the ones I'm staying with - yes). It's hard for us to keep our hands off each other. I feel like a school girl! He'll be rubbing my leg or me rubbing his or I'll be playing with his hair or we just plain hold hands. We haven't kissed in front of them yet but if he wants to go out for a cigarette he asks me to go & afterwards we make out like horny teenagers that can't get enough of each other.
I stayed at his place again last night. He said we could watch a movie (yeah, like that would happen) & he pops in some old Robert Deniro movie. I don't know - I told him "You do realize we are not actually going to watch this right?" & of course we didn't. We were lying close in his bed & constantly touching each other - what movie, where?
I asked him when he was going to take me on an actual date - just the two of us since we don't seem to make it much farther than his bed & he said whenever I want so that's good. Although, he & I spend more time kissing & touching then anything else & I can guarantee we wont talk much & will probably end up doing it in his car or something. It's uncontrollable the way we feel when we're together & I know it's not just me because our actions are an exact reflection of each other.
On a side note my soon to be ex-husband sent me an email (which is kind of strange since he could have just left a note) to express that he still loves me no matter what happens etc. etc. I'm really starting to not feel bad anymore. Is that not terrible? I mean, I do feel bad but I don't feel the same as him - that's more it. I just want to move on but we have so much to work out with the house etc & the actual divorce.
How to deal?
This whole situation is so strange to me. So strange ... My husband left work early yesterday & came home & we talked about everything. He is absolutely heartbroken & blaming himself. I didn't want to point out all the wrongs he's done considering the bomb I dropped already. We did talk & I told him how I felt about our sex life etc. We decided that it would be best if I wasn't around for a few days so I'm staying at my friends apartment & coming home during the day when my husband is at work.
He thinks I'm leaving him for "Ted" when in reality I have no idea where "Ted" & I stand. I asked "Ted" last night what he wanted & he said he didn't know. I said that basically I don't either & we kind of left it at that. Seeing someone else after 10+ years is such a reality check. All those questions, not knowing him, getting to know him, wondering what he thinks of me & our relationship (if it is that). All I know is if he & I are going to date we should probably actually date. We never seem to make it beyond his bed (not that that's bad - LOL!). I didn't spend last night with him. He smoked & said it made him a little sick so we just said goodnight (& kissed of course) & decided to talk/see each other today.
I think he may have popped in at my friends in the morning but I was half asleep & my friend told him I was sleeping. But, then - I could have just dreamed it ...
Today I have a hair appt & I may even have a job! I got an email from the publishing assistant at a newspaper that I sent my resume to. I'm hoping it pans out - that'd be such a huge relief.
Update
I just want to say thanks to all of you. I so appreciate your comments & advice. To know that I have friends out there that don't judge me is an awesome feeling.
I went out to dinner with my girlfriend last night. She's really good friends with (oh what to call him) - let's say "Ted" & thanks to her we met. It was instant attraction between he & I - instant. So, we chatted & she also is not judging me at all. She knows about past problems in my marriage. I have been tossing it in my head - to tell him or not to? His biggest fear has always been that I'd cheat. I've been paying for the cheating ways of an ex-girlfriend of his for over 10 years & not EVER done anything to jeapordize our marriage even when unhappy .. until now. I told her I think my plan will be to stay out late every night until he gets really pissed off.
Why? I firmly want to end this. I don't exactly know how. My husband has verbally abused me in the past - accusing me of cheating when I hadn't & called me a whore & all kinds of nasty names. I hadn't done a thing but stay out late. Now, it is inconsiderate to not call but if I had he would have been an ass about it anyway.
So, last night "Ted" came down to my friends apartment after we got back from dinner & we talked & it was SOOO awkward at first (mostly due to me) & then he asked me if I wanted to date him & I said "Well, I hadn't thought about that but, I guess yes" & he kissed me (with those incredible lips of his). --this while standing outside in fucking freezing temperatures because he wanted a cigarette (I had one too - he has such a way with me! I told him not to let me smoke anymore. Not that I ever crave one anymore ... I don't know). Then we went inside & kissed again & went back into my girlfriend's apartment & hung out for a while. Around 11 he said he was leaving & going to have a smoke first & asked if I wanted to come with. I so totally did & said goodbye to my friend & her boyfriend.
We went outside, smoked again. Kissed again (a lot) & then he asked me if I was leaving. I feel so incredible around him - I didn't want to leave. I asked him when he goes to bed, if I could go upstairs with him - I could see he was cold (he had no jacket on). He said sure. I told him if he really just wanted to go to bed I could leave. And, he said he could never say no.
We went upstairs to his apartment & talked for a few minutes & kissed again & we were again instantly turned on & made love. The man is incredible in bed. So forceful, pulling my hair just a little when he gets really turned on & kissing me so hard but soft at the same time. Cradling my head in his hands & wanting me so close. He feels so good inside of me I couldn't even begin to explain it. Afterward we talked some more & kissed some more & then he asked me (in so many words) if I'd orgasmed. I was honest & said almost (typically I don't come even close with actual intercourse & oral is required but not with him). He asked me if I wanted to & I said "How could I refuse?" He made love to me again. Often looking into each others eyes & smiling like we share a secret between only us & then kissing, so much kissing that it leaves me thinking of him even after - now.
God, it's like I'm writing soft porn. I hope I'm not making anyone blush! I've told my friend some of this but I can only tell her so much - detail wise because he's like a brother to her.
He's only 24, I'm 30. I think I could fall for him. I didn't intend to ever sleep with him, let alone have feelings for him (other then sexual frustration not acted on).
So my husband was calling my cell phone at 5am & drove by at 5:30 to see if my car was at my friends. I got home & there's a note on the door: "Hey Lisa -- thanks for coming home. If I wanted to sleep alone I wouldn't have got married. Enjoy your day". Now, the Lisa he's referring to is the girlfriend of a friend of his that sleeps around like there's no tomorrow. This guy just stands by & lets her though. She's super skanky from what I've heard. But, then - if the guy is letting her do it then who's the idiot here? Not that she's right - but Hello - hey just lets her (plus she hits him & calls him all kinds of names - awful, awful relationship) - he's even let her bring guys home & they have a daughter together.
Also, there was a message on the voice mail/machine that he "wants me out of the house by the time he gets home" & that all he asks of me is that I call & I don't & he's had it - yada, yada, yada. Sounds like my staying out late plan worked however .... a little faster than anticipated.
Ok, I just talked to my husband & I told him the truth. He wants to work it out & I said no. I broke his heart telling him I wasn't in love with him, that it's just not there anymore. Sex is an act that's always the same, he never initiates (because he's afraid of being turned down - by me - his own wife). He doesn't want the house, & we are going to work everything out to make sure each of us is settled. He even said I could have "Ted" move in with me if I keep the house. At least the relationship IS coming to an end. It's so hard, I do love him. Even though I'm not in love with him I still feel for him & I'm not a coldhearted person (although some people think I am) & I can't believe I'm breaking his heart.
Accountability
I came across this on Bipolar Princess' blog (
http://bipolarprincess.blogspot.com). It's from An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison:
Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and ephoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against - you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.What I've italicized & kept in black font strikes a chord with me. With what I did the other night. But, then I can't very well blame it on my illness & not accept responsibility. And, because I am not happy in my marriage (& truly haven't been for years) this doesn't make it "ok" either. What's worse is that I still crave him. His touch, his mouth on mine (so soft, lingering on his bottom lip time & time again, so much time kissing, like teenagers making out for the first time), the force with which he takes me (aggresive, so sure of himself, yet with care and feeling that I've never felt before). The tension has been there between us for some time now but we've always held back. Nothing more then harmless dancing when we're out with friends or a slight touch in passing, looks shared only between us. Little did I know that everyone saw the sexual tension. That night, all it took was one kiss & we both gave in. We didn't even think twice.How can I feel that? How can a decent human being that truly cares for people (including my husband) still feel that for another man? I've thought of leaving him before. We've come so close to divorce but I never have the strength to do it - to be alone. There is no passion when we make love. It's a deed that needs to be done. I get pleasured, he gets pleasured & we're done. It's always the same unless I change it up. Sex isn't everything, I know but when I say "I love you" back to him - I don't feel it like a wife should - they are just words. Just words. That's not enough.
Dream meaning
I just found this on dreammoods.com:
Suffocating:
To dream that you are suffocating, signifies that you are feeling smothered or oppressed by some situation/relationship. Something or someone is holding your back. You are experiencing stress and tension.
Restrained:
To dream that you are restrained, indicates that you are holding yourself back and not fully expressing yourself. The dream may also be a reflection of the actual state of your body, known as REM paralysis.
Murder:
To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.
Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.
Killer:
To see a killer in your dream, suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.
Does this confirm my feelings? It certainly doesn't make my actions acceptable.
My nightmare is back ...
I never told anyone this but I used to have dreams (nightmares) that I was laying in bed sleeping & my husband would wake up & try to smother/crush me in my sleep. He would roll over & push on my stomach & ribs every time I breathed so that each breath became less & less & he would be crushing my ribs. Sometimes he would manage to get under me & wrap his arms around me & pull to crush me. The dream would happen again & again & I would think I was waking up only to have him attack me again. I would plead with him but eventually I can't talk even if I want to because I can't breath without fear of being killed. When these first started I didn't see his face - it wasn't my husband but some dark man - eventually I came to know that it was him. I hadn't had this dream in probably a year - until last night. It's the most terrifying dream you could ever have. I'm being killed in my dream by my own husband.
I don't know exactly what it means but I think it has something to do with my needing to be out of the marriage - but he's holding me back?? Or - I'm holding myself back & blaming him.
Regardless, the dream is so REAL that for the longest time I would wake up (after several false wakenings in my dream) & be terrified that it was going to happen again. I became scared to go to sleep at night & even wondered if it was really happening to me or if it was a dream! Is that not the most f*cked up thing in the world?
Is it anxiety? I'm scared now that it will keep coming back ..
I'm so going to hell
This weekend I did something just awful & now I have to break someone's heart. Someone close to me. I have to be honest about this. Why do I get self-destructive? Why am I so impulsive? Why can't I ever be happy? I want to crawl under a rock. I don't know how to feel about this. I knew it was coming/going to happen ... I really don't want to break his heart. He will have no idea how much this has broken mine. I hate myself right now. I am so not worth his love or anyone elses. Why am I aloud to even be here? Why?
Yee-haw!
I tested out the treadmill with 20 minutes of running & 20 minutes at an 8% incline this morning & it rocks - need I say more?
Excellent!
That's how I have been feeling lately!
I don't know if it's the new medication or what but I have been in a great mood the past few days. I've also been zooming around like the energizer bunny.
I finally bought my treadmill & we put it together & rearranged the home gym - it looks awesome! We just need to decide on a paint color & paint the walls (right now they are a stagnant white). We installed a small TV on one of those wall mounts (like you see at the hospital) right in front of the cardio equipment (ok, right now there's just the treadmill & elliptical but we will eventually be getting an upright bicycycle as well). I'm psyched!
The only downfall is that although my mood is up my legs have been sore all week off & on! Today they feel ok. I'm wondering if this is a side effect oh wait (multi-tasking &) just found some comments on a messageboard that Lamictal is notorious for those but that the muscle aches should go away. Well, I hope the soreness doesn't kick in later because I plan to do some running. Maybe I should do it this am instead ...
I have an appt. w/Beverly (tdoc) at 1pm today & I really don't feel like I need to go but I can't cancel on the same day as it would be so rude! Plus, I'm sure there's something we can talk about.
I'm excited that it's the weekend - tomorrow is the hockey game & I can't wait to see all my old friends from my last job!! Whoot-whoot!
OMG!
It's so freakishly windy here in CT right now that it's kicked out my power & I'm just waiting for a tree to fall on my house. I called the power company & they aren't even giving out restoration times! It's so dark, dismal & windy & it's trying to rain. It's like a hurricane out there - so strange. My laptop power is dwindling .....
Here I thought you might like this. I wrote it about 5-6 years ago:
Running in the night,down the road - trees on both sides of me.I look back - to the left - to the right.Keep going, running into the woods deep.Hear the noises, broken branchesCan't stop no second chances.Keep going, no time to stopIt's getting darker ----- What?Was that sound?I hear something?All around.It's nothing!I said don't stop - keep moving - fast.Don't look back.Can't slow down - the time will pass.Don't cut no slack - only forward - NEVER back!Keep running through the trees,step on the leaves - got to breathe.But never, ever STOP.Running in the nightit's so dark tonight!Run, run avoid the trees,don't trip - slide on the leaves.Run, run through the woods.Run, run but it's not good.Walk, walk at a fast pace,as the sun comes up & stops my race.JED
-- I think that's what confirmed my initial bipolar diagnosis - go figure! I shared it with my tdoc at the time ... but I still didn't believe him. Now it's so incredibly obvious! Anyway, it's one of my favorite poems & I thought everyone could relate.
100 Things About Me
- I am & always will be a procrastinator
- … as was my mother
- … as is my sister
- This list has a 50% chance of being put off & completed at a later date.
- I am ½ Finnish & (off & on) learning to speak it.
- I love to write & have been doing so since I was very young.
- Often I read as many as 4 books at the same time because I can’t decide which one to start. This began when I was a teenager & found ..
- My favorite author to be Stephen King.
- I have to have coffee in the morning & in the rare instance there is none in the house – any form of caffeine will suffice.
- When on schedule I workout 5-6 times a week.
- And eat 5-6 small, healthy meals throughout the day.
- And drink at least 80 ounces of water a day.
- I am bipolar.
- When I am depressed I have no appetite or desire to eat.
- My mentally stable friends think I’m weird when I say I forget to eat (but I do!).
- My natural haircolor is chestnut brown (my mom always loved it). After 30 years (many of which spent coloring my hair) I have decided it is the most flattering color for my complexion. (Yes, mom you’re right - doh!)
- My mother died of COPD & emphysema when she was 51.
- She was my best friend.
- Part of me died with her.
- I am a reality TV whore.
- When I was little my plastic shopping cart toy & my sister’s glow worm were stolen by our neighbors.
- To this day we know who it was but they never admitted it.
- They were are playmates!
- My middle name is the same as my mom’s & my grandmother & great-grandmother etc. I am supposed to carry on the tradition if I have a daughter. I am not.
- I am going to change it & use it as her first name.
- My husband & I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year.
- I may never have that daughter but I am ok with that.
- I have 3 cats, a dog, an iguana & some fish.
- I own my own home in the same town I was born.
- I live just minutes from the hospital I was born in.
- I hate getting up in the middle of the night just to pee.
- My husband falls asleep like the “Clap on, clap off” woman while I lay there awake wanting to choke him for breathing so loud.
- I often tell my husband I could kill him in his sleep & he wouldn’t even know it.
- He thinks I’m kidding.
- I hate wearing shoes. When/if I get pregnant – I will be barefoot & pregnant.
- When I was an adolescent/teenager I used to walk in the snow barefoot to get the mail.
- My socks were always black on the bottom.
- My mom loved me.
- I can play the flute, & piccolo & was 1st chair in my high-school band.
- I originally started with the clarinet.
- I am claustrophobic.
- When I get home from work (although now I am unemployed) the first thing I do is kiss my husband.
- The second thing is to change into my pajamas or yoga pants.
- At age 30, I finally accept my A cup breasts. They may be small but they are spectacular!
- When I was a teenager I had to convince my mother to buy me a bra.
- That first bra was a size 32AAA. It had pleats.
- I have fiber cystic tissue in my breasts & they hurt terribly prior to my period.
- For that reason, it is not recommended I get implants.
- For years I wanted implants but now - at age 30, I don’t give a damn about getting implants.
- I used to hate Miracle Whip & swear by Hellman’s mayonnaise.
- Now I hate mayonnaise & swear by Miracle Whip Lite or mustard.
- I have 5 pierced holes in my left ear & 4 in my right.
- I never take out my earrings.
- My naval is pierced.
- There is also a tattoo around my naval that I designed.
- I have 9 more tattoos.
- One is a tiny heart (the size of a nickel) that I did myself.
- The majority of my tattoos are original designs or altered existing designs to make them unique to me & no-one else.
- I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed at once.
- 2 were impacted.
- I threw up blood on the way home & my iguana was loose in my apartment. I picked him up with one hand, the other holding a paper towel to collect the blood running down my chin & put him back in his cage.
- If I had done it separately, I never would have gone back.
- I attempted to smoke even though it hurt like hell to do so.
- I quit smoking 3 years ago. Watching my mother dying from COPD & emphysema weighed heavily on my decision to do so.
- I had tried numerous times to quit prior to my final success.
- One such attempt only lasted 3 hours.
- I am a stickler for proper English.
- My husband often speaks with improper English & it makes me want to rip his head off.
- I hate when people misuse the word “of” in place of the word “have”. It makes me cringe.
- I wear contacts. My eyes are blue. As were my mothers and fathers.
- My sister’s eyes are hazel.
- My favorite meal is Shepherd’s Pie.
- I am still grieving my mother’s death (she died March 5, 2003).
- I am not ashamed to wear gigantic animal slippers.
- I have been seen at the grocery store & convenience store in my pajamas on more than one occasion.
- I never call my husband by his name. I only refer to him as “honey”. He returns this & never calls me by my name either. I am not sure when this started but it has remained consistant for over 10 years.
- I can spread all my toes apart without help from my hands. I am not double jointed.
- My favorite TV show is CSI (the original). I refuse to watch CSI Miami because the red-haired guy annoys the shit out of me with his lame whisper of a voice & his horrific acting.
- I pray every night (silently). My way (not very traditional).
- There have been times when I have stopped praying because I was angry with God.
- My mother’s ex-boyfriend used to beat her & threaten to kill my sister & I when in a drunken rage. We walked on eggshells when he was home & feared for our lives & our mother’s.
- Nothing I ever did was good enough for that man.
- My comfort meal is coffee & a bagel (toasted with cream cheese).
- I over analyze everything.
- I will probably analyze this list but then leave it because I want it to be random & without too much thought.
- I am analyzing it right now.
- My favorite band is System of a Down.
- I sleep mostly on my side with a pillow between my knees because I suffer from back pain.
- I’m also cursed with bad knees.
- I think this is the reason I have never broken a bone.
- Although I did step on my pinky once when I was in grammar school & badly injured it. It actually may have been broken but I shrugged it off & did not go to the nurse (who steps on their pinky?). When my right hand is relaxed you can see that my ring finger is closer to my middle finger & that pinky is farther out than that of my left hand.
- My first cat’s name was “Mittens” & I have a cat now with the same name.
- I love horror movies.
- When I look in the mirror I still see a little girl looking back at me.
- I get frustrated with people that don’t see things beyond face value.
- My favorite picture is of me & my mom. It was taken when I was about 5 or 6. We are both wearing bikinis & lying out in the sun near the pool.
- I learned how to swim instantly. My mother tossed me in the pool, I opened my eyes & swam up to the top. She still insisted both my sister & I wear “floaties” for years.
- My mom raised us as a single mom for several years. We ate a lot of potatoes and rice.
- I am grateful for my upbringing. As hard & difficult as it was it taught me a great deal & helped to mold me into who I am today.
- At times I will completely disagree with that statement.
The FightAh, up & down & side to side.
The constant struggle inside my mind.
I feel fine on the outside layer. Look deeper, seek the truth.
Look inside, behind the front – it’s just a roose.
Why fool myself?
Why play the game?
Can I go on without the shame?
I hate it.
I detest it.
I fight it.
I argue with it.
I give in. I accept it (for now).
Reliance on others to help me get by ….
The constant struggle inside my mind.
January 16, 2006
JED
I'm not dead - sorry!
Ha!
My laptop fell ill & had to go to the doctor (ok, it had to be repaired) so I haven't been blogging in quite some time. I apologize for appearing to drop off the face of the earth. I however (obviously) am not dead (in case you were wondering or hoping - LOL).
Unfortunately, my old desktop computer is slow & kept crashing when I tried to go online so I have been out of touch with the online world & my online friends ...
So, what's been going on?It turns out that I fell into a major depression (not to be confused with falling into a well although there are similarities as I'm sure some readers will understand). I did not realize it was happening until I was reading one of the books that my therapist recommended & saw that all the symptoms applied. I found that odd.
Anyway, keeping that in mind I was sitting around late in the day unshowered (actually, kind of like right now but I will be showering soon) & thought to myself "I need to take a freakin' shower & get moving." So I got up & moved to the stairs to go my bedroom to get clothes to change into after getting out of the shower (the full bath is on the first level in our gambrell/dutch colonial style house). I got to the 3rd step & couldn't go any further. I collapsed & started crying uncontrollably. My poor dog was running up & down the stairs & jumping at me patting my back & then my legs not knowing what was wrong. I couldn't stop, I couldn't move. I was frozen, helpless, lost. Then, my husband came home - EARLY & he starts banging on the door - I thought he was playing with the dog (because they do that sometimes) however it turns out that he didn't have his key for the deadbolt (I didn't even realize I'd locked the door). I couldn't move, I couldn't stop crying, I was worthless & I couldn't believe he was going to see me like this. Why was I like this? Why couldn't I be normal like him? Why me? What did I do to deserve this pain, this suffering? Where does it come from & why wont it stop?
I found the strength to get up. I opened the door & let him in & went straight to the bathroom humiliated. He must have seen my eyes glowing redder then a bright red traffic light. My eyes are blue & when I cry the whites of my eyes are instantly red & the blue is a blue like no other. There's no saying I haven't been crying when I have been because it's as obvious as it gets. I sat on the floor crying. Do I leave the bathroom & let him see me like this? I have to. He is all I have & he grounds me (Beverly - my therapist agrees that his interaction is often enough to settle my feelings at least temporarily). I opened the door & went back into the living room & sat in the recliner. He was making coffee & he came in & sat down & looked at me. He (of course) had noticed my eyes & we talked. I instantly felt better. The humiliation was gone. He said it's ok that I don't need to be embarrassed for having a "brain attack" & we both laughed.
He took me out to eat & I thanked him on the way there (holding his hand) in the car for being there for me. He's not the most emotional guy. I was always afraid to "come out" & held back my depression & bi-polar from him (at least talking about it anyway) & I would cry in another room or hold it in. Now I know that he is here for me & he knows what to do to help me. I had no idea that he would know exactly what to do to make me feel better. And do you know what it is? What he did? He showed that he cares. That he loves me & that he understands.
The Topamax was making me so incredibly doped up that I was forced to make lists for everything, to use a timer because I had no grasp of time, to forget words, names, to not get a solid nights sleep nor be able to take naps, to feel incredibly stoned, to be stuck in a depressive state, to not want to eat - to have to make myself eat, to have no energy at all. When I tapered off of it down to 100 twice a day that's when I hit that major depression. Beverly thinks the Topamax triggered it & insisted I talk to my Pdoc who thinks my losing my job also triggered it.
I am now tapered down to 25 twice a day & tomorrow is my last day. Sunday, I start Lamictal.
I haven't been able to get to sleep for about a week & a 1/2 & yesterday I organized my entire closet & put away my husbands clothes as well as doing the dishes. I started exercising again last week & will be buying a treadmill to complete my home gym next week. I thought maybe I was going manic (my pdoc is concerned that I might with the tapering & medication switch & with my not being able to sleep) & I would welcome it but I don't want to crash again - that was awful. The exercise will help. When I run - it helps me tremendously with the depression & I am going out with friends next week - that will be good too. We're going to a hockey game in Boston.
Anyone else on this Lamictal? Please tell me it doesn't make you dopey!! I can't function having to compensate with all these aids to help me get by with my normal life. Also, how about drinking with it? One or two Coronas - will that be ok? What are your thoughts. I'm not a major drinker because alcoholism runs in my family (my mom's side) so I try to be careful & usually only have a couple at home once in a while with my husband. I'm not worried about weight gain - I'm going to be exercising so & watching what I'm eating so hopefully like I said (wrote) above this counters the depression.
Oh & one more thing. Check out Lucy's new scrubs:
We got her this adorable hoodie at Petco for a late christmas present. It's adorable when the hood falls over her eyes & she had to rely on her nose to "lead" her! So cute! And, she's retty good about me putting it on her too which is neat. I wasn't sure how she'd react. I wanted to get her something girlie but I couldn't find anyting there so I'm going to hunt around online & just order her something instead. In the interim though - she's go this & she likes it.
Here's another picture of the front so you can see how it looks around her little feet. How cute is she???
