What's up?
I just realized that I haven't actually blogged in a while. I've been checking out everyone elses as much as I can but have neglected to actually update my own!
Let's see ... what's been going on? Well, my new job is going great. My new boss continues to be awesome & has been letting me come in at 9:30 & leave early (3:30, 4 & today at 4:30). Tomorrow I will begin going in for my regular hours - 8-4:30.
I should be going out with Nigel tomorrow. I talked to him last night because he called (right when I was about to call him) to tell me he was sorry he didn't get a chance to get together with me over the weekend & to see if I wanted to get together tomorrow or something. So, he should be calling me tomorrow (since he didn't call me tonight) to figure out what we're going to do. I'm looking forward to seeing him again.
My sleeping patterns are back to normal & I'm able to get to bed earlier. Additionally, my eating habits have improved & I am eating more (but not too much or unhealthy foods). I have been a little irritable lately & worried I was going to drop into a depression but I'm pretty sure I can attribute that to PMS & I'm working my way through it.
I've got my head straightened out on my shoulders
Yup, I realize that I don't need to be with someone that treats me like I'm worthless (ex) or someone that sends mixed messages & doesn't bother to call me to even say "hi" ("Ted"). I don't want to be in what my shrink would call an unhealthy relationship.
I'm working on this new thing with Nigel. Why? He treats me with respect, he opens doors for me, he listens to me, he genuinely wants to hear what I say, oh yeah & he's hot. After seeing him for the 4th time he's making an impression. He calls to see how I am & he even called me today just to see how my 1st day at work went. Since he works with my friend Jaime he even asked her what kind of flowers I like (although he blew the surprise by telling me). This is just what I needed, a caring guy. I'm not jumping into any feelings for him other than "like" right now. In other words, I'm taking it slow emotionally & just enjoying being with him.
Physically - twice last night - whew, damn, love it! And, by "it" I mean "it" & "it" if you get what I mean.
My first day of work went great! My boss even let me leave early because what I was doing was a bit tedious. I'll still get paid for the full day though since I'm salary. It's funny because when I got there this am she told me "I'm going to warn you - the first couple days are going to be boring". I think I'm really going to like it there & I'm so excited that I have a schedule now that will keep me levelheaded. Routine is good for me!
On another good note - I started taking my Lamictal earlier per my Pdoc's suggestion & I think it's making a difference as far as my insomnia goes & my appetite. I am actually a little tired right now rather than being wide awake as usual (although, I got back at 11:30 last night from Nigel's & then couldn't sleep last night from excitement to start my first day at work & residual excitement from finally getting some - he he - twice - he he) & then I had to get up early to go to work. Appetite-wise - I ate breakfast (ok, it was a yogurt & I had to force it down) & had a sandwich at lunch & ate dinner. That's the most I've eaten in one day in months.
So, things are looking up & I'm feeling good.
Ah, the drunken poem.
Better then a drunk dial I guess. Ran into "Ted" last night (duh!).
The ex was a dick to me before I left last night so I'm blowing him off & going out with Nigel instead tonight. One of the many reasons I decided to end it with him was because of his anger that would be turned or acted out towards me (verbally). He does this & then expects me to just forget about it & move on - sometimes he says he's sorry, sometimes he just pretends it didn't happen. Either way, it's not something I am going to put up with & he needs to learn that.
I was going to go out with Nigel tomorrow anyway so we're just making it tonight instead. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to going out with someone that treats me with the respect I deserve.
Blah, Fucking Blah
Fucking Love Sucks (& yes I'm drunk)How dare I seek happiness
When I know it is not there?
In the midst of my double vision stare.
He shares so much kissing with me
Then goes upstairs to forget I was there.
I’m left with the desire for him that was present
From the beginning up until now
With love & resentment
That he has no idea of what lies inside …
I am honest yet clouded about how I feel
I can’t be so upfront because I fear
He will find someone else
Even though he’s not looking
How foolish this must seem ….
I make so many excuses,
Try so many different things
Yet In my heart he remains.
And a fool I am.
For so many reasons
Of which I can not & will not claim.
I still hold it in for fear so obvious but which I won’t explain.
Am I fool?
Yes, I admit.
But can I put an end to this?
I don’t think I can ..
JED
February 21, 1975
It's my birfday!
I am officially *cough* *cough* 31 today.
Tonight my friend Jaime is taking me out to dinner.
Tomorrow the ex wants to take me out (that should be strange).
Thursday I'm going out with "Nigel" --> if I make it that long!
Nigel called me last night on his way to band rehearsal (they rehearse Mondays & Wednesdays or Thursdays) to see what I was doing for my birthday - how sweet! I told him I had plans with Jaime & plans on Wednesday so he's requesting his band rehearsal day to be Wednesday so he can take me out on Thursday. I can't wait - let's all hope I make it past dinner & don't attack him the second I see him!
Oh & I'm home because my new boss called me yesterday to ask me to start Thursday instead. She felt really bad & offered to pay me for today & Wednesday - how cool is that?! She didn't realize she had quite a few meetings scheduled for today & tomorrow & she didn't want to leave me without any guidance on my first days.
Fuck it or should I say Fuck me PLEASE!
I saw "Ted" last night & although he's sending mixed messages he's sticking to his guns about being only friends. Why he kisses me, touches me, holds me while we sleep & looks at me with eyes that want more is beyond me. I called him on this & he still insists that he just wants to be friends. His reasoning is that he was just in 2 relationships that didn't work out & he wants to be alone for a while & not in another relationship.
If that is how he feels then why the kissing & whatnot - the mixed messages? I again explained to him that this baffles me - not only because of the mixed messages but because I have always been the one to put the brakes on - not the guy. I've never been on the other side so to speak. This is all very confusing for me.
He admitted that he didn't expect nor want anything more than what he did the first night. I can't be upset with that because I didn't know what I wanted either. But, we saw each other so much after that & were together time & time again. There's an obvious & over powering attraction & affection towards each other that isn't going away.
I think I should stop seeing him but at the same time I can't stay away.
The other god awful thing (although some would probably disagree) is that I'm so incredibly horny & have been for the past few days. I emailed Nigel today in hopes to meet up with him this week because I know there will be no mixed messages there. Am I looking for a booty call - probably. Am I just doing this because I was turned down by someone that means something to me even though I wish he didn't? Probably. Is that bad or wrong? Probably. Do I care? Hell no - I'm horny as hell & even though Nigel is young (24) & immature - he's damn fine! Is my serious raging sex-drive overpowering my judgement? Probably. Again - do I care? Nope!
Immature
So, I went out on my second date & I have come to the conclusion that although "Nigel" - LOL is a sweet guy he is also far too immature for me. Not that I'm miss maturity myself but I noticed that at times I was just blocking out what he was saying (not a good sign). So, I'm going to give it the old College try & MAYBE go out 1 more time but like I said - he's too immature.
Tonight I'm attending a party for my friend Nacho who's moving back to Mexico. It should be a good time. I'm counting on endless games of beer pong - a usual among the crew ... "Ted" will also be showing up later so we'll see how that whole thing goes.
Good news!!!
I got the job!! I start on my birthday - Tuesday! I'm so excited & so is my new boss - she's so cool & is going to be awesome to work for :-) They already have my cubicle set-up with a new computer (I think it's a mac)!! Do I hear a WHOOT-WHOOT??!!!
Another date for tomorrow!
N talked to my friend Jaime & she shot me an email to let me know that he was talking about asking me out for tomorrow (woo-hoo). It cracks him up because any time he talks to her she tells me & vice-versa. But, hey - that's what girls do!
Shortly thereafter I got an email from him asking just that so we'll be going out again tomorrow (not sure where yet). He also said that he had a great time with me.
He's so refreshing after "Ted" because with "Ted" it was just hooking up when we were around each other & not so much him contacting me to take me out or anything. In fact - he never called me unless I texted him about something. Now, he still has a shirt of mine so I'm going to have to contact him sooner or later if he doesn't contact me so I can get it back. I have a feeling we'll run into each other this Friday though because we're having a party at one of our friends houses for another friend that's moving back to Mexico. And, I don't know what's up with him but I think whatever we had is over - especially with things going so well with N.
I told N about the "relationship" with "Ted" because like I said - I want to be honest with him & do this right. I let him know that the whole thing with "Ted" is up in the air & was mostly sex. I didn't go into huge detail but gave him the jist of it.
I don't like the idea of dating more than one person at a time - it just doesn't feel right to me for some reason so if I'm right & things are over with "Ted" then I'm just going to go forward dating only N. Even if I'm being honest with them both - still it's awkward.
The Date
I had a GREAT time last night. N is a standup guy & a gentleman. We went out to eat & then went to the coolest bar - EVER! We talked a lot & got to know each other. At first I was so nervous but he set me at ease because he's so easy to talk to.
The guy has an air about him that makes him that much more attractive. I mean - he's hot to begin with ... He also has a great sense of humor, he's a good listener, he's very confident & original (he has a mowawk) & has an awesome sense for style. (I don't want to sound shallow about the style thing but it's is a welcome change because my soon-to-be-ex has no grasp for style - even when I tried to help him out - he reverts back to what he knows instead.)
I know everyone wants to know - he kissed me at the bar & it was great. I'm such a horn-dog - we ended up kissing forever on the couch at the bar - LOVE IT!
So, I'd say another date is in the near future. He did mention that we'll need to go out again - somewhere more local.
Job update: I just got a call from Sarah @ the newspaper & I will be meeting with the president tomorrow @ 1pm!!
It looks promising!!
My interview went great. I got lost on the way (stupid Mapquest!) so I had to call her to let her know I was on my way. The girl that interviewed me is the manager & she's young. She had a few other people to interview but kept mentioning things like "your computer" & "you'll have your own cubicle" so I think that's a good sign. I made it through this interview great though & will be meeting with her & the President. She said she'd be calling me either tomorrow or Thursday to schedule that one. We hit it off well & felt very comfortable around each other. The place seems layed back & like a family environment. I'd be getting 2 weeks personal/sick/"mental health"/vacation days that I'll acrue but she said if I need to take them earlier I can borrow them that she doesn't mind. I thought it was cool that she even allows "mental health" days - it shows that she's that understanding of everyones needs. She started out doing telemarketing 4 years ago & is now the manager of sales & classifieds! The room for advancement there is incredible. I really want this job!!
Now, if my date goes as well as the interview I'll be a happy camper. And, apologies - I think my last post made it sound like my date was yesterday when it's in fact tonight!
Whoot-Whoot!
I just got a call from the lady at the newspaper & I have an in-person interview tomorrow at 1:30!! I'm so psyched! The pay will be a little less than what I was making but she let me know that there is room for growth & potential to move into inside sales. This particular position is in the Classifieds department & I will get to use my skills with Quark (which she pointed out as a plus for them). I'll keep everyone posted!!
Other news - I just talked to "the other guy - N." & he is picking me up at 6:45 to make dinner for 8 at the casino. I'm hoping to have a good time ...
Update
Well, I just got a call from "the other guy". He wanted to apologize for not going out last night & his reason. It turns out that he really had a family crisis involving his brother but his brother was in the room when he was talking to me & he didn't want embarass him by telling me in front of him. I thought that was really sweet & it also shows how much he values family & loves his brother so that's a plus. He was very concerned that I might have been upset. I told him I thought it was an odd change of plan & he said that he really did want to meet up with me but he needed to be there for his brother.
On another note, my ex is having a buddy of his move in - earlier than expected. He's going to be moving in on Sunday & he's giving a relatives old bedroom set to my ex so we will be moving everything around & putting my bedroom set (formerly my mom's so it holds huge sentimental value) in another room. We discussed all the other furniture as well & I will be getting quite a bit of it since his buddy is bringing a lot of his over. I guess this is going to work out well with the exception of getting along with his friend/roomate. I already told my ex that he had better treat me with respect & he told me if he starts in on me to just tell him to shut up & I said that's exactly what I'll do.
And, I got a call from the lady at the newspaper I applied at last week & she should be calling me on Monday. Things are falling into place for me so I have a good feeling about this too. If the job works out I will be all set :-)
Frustration
Last night ended up being a total bust. This other dude that was supposed to meet up with us (the one I'm hopefully still going out with on Vday) copped out saying he was rehearsing with his band & had to get up early for a birthday party thing today. Well, I don't know what to think about this but I'm trying to convince myself he didn't just blow me off. I can't help but have that in the back of my mind though. I asked him if he still wanted to go out on Vday & he said yes & I told him I'd check back with him tomorrow night so we'll see.
Alright, I have to get this off my chest:
I can't explain why but I have to admit that I really have feelings for "Ted". I think about him when I'm not with him & I can't help but worry that I'm just going to compare this new guy to him (& I highly doubt they are anything alike). I almost don't want to go out with this new guy. I know, I know - I'm still going to go & I'm sure I'll have a good time. In fact, I really need to meet other people to get "Ted" out of my system - although that may not work really well if we bump into each other & spend the night in each others arms. I just wish I knew where he was at (in his head) right now! That'd make things SO much easier. I'm really getting concerned because I think I could fall for this guy & I've never felt like that about anyone before - not even my husband. Are these false feelings? I just don't know. If only there were some kind of test I could take that would tell me!
Last night I saw him briefly but Jaime & I were going out to another place. What's strange is that he completely changed his plans to go out with her boyfriend - probably hoping I'd go too because initially Jaime was contemplating going with them & Adam said to me (because I was quiet from being hungover) "You don't really want to go out do you?" like a subtle hint that I go with them to their friends place instead (well, that was a long sentance). Anyway, "Ted" kept eyeing me like he wanted me to go but I just did my own thing & went with Jaime instead (and then made it an early night because I wasn't feeling very good & kept thinking that I wanted to be with "Ted" - not so much even bummed that the other guy copped out).
I'm trying hard to show "Ted" that I am my own person & if he wants to have something with me he's going to have to take some action & speak up. I'm really hoping I'm doing the right thing & I'm really upset with myself for getting attached & developing feelings for him - I didn't count on this ...
Going forward
Well, I'm home (thank God!). I knew babies were a lot of work but Jesus Fucking Christ! I seriously don't think I want kids right now - I could never be patient enough or give up so much time to another life. That probably sounds awful & selfish but this has reafirmed my thought that I didn't get pregnant for a reason when the ex & I were trying. I adore my niece but ... I needed time for myself!
My fucking computer is so slow right now - I don't know what's going on ...
Anyway, my friend Jaime & our friends Brian & Edgar picked me up at the airport yesterday & then we went to Hooters & went through 2 "towers" (I had no idea what these were so for those that also don't know - it's a literaly a tower with 120 oz of beer in it & a little tap on the bottom - pretty cool). Jaime & I both got Hooters shirts too (the guys bought them for us - men are so easy - just kidding - well, not really, ok maybe - lets face it men - if a hot girl asks you to buy her a hooters shirt - you're gonna do it).
Then we headed back to Jaime's house & proceeded to get trashed. "Ted" showed up (because they're all friends & he just lives upstairs). We ended up hooking up again (well, sans any sex - just a whole lot of kissing & touching etc.). He & I can't just be around each other & be friends - it just doesn't work. I kept telling him too - friends don't do this kind of thing ...
I stayed at his place & this morning he asked me what I was doing today so I was honest & told him that I was going out with Jaime & this new guy who I'll also be going out with for Valentine's day. He seemed surprised & repeated his name with an air of possible jealousy - go figure. I think he's trying to hold back any feelings he has for me but then caves when he sees me. He of course (like many men) refuses to tell me about this or talk about it thus making it harder on himself. I'm sorry, but if he's not going to tell me how he feels then I'm going to --->
Stick to my guns. Like I said previously, I am going to enjoy life & just be myself. Whatever happens, happens. I plan to fill the new guy in on the "relationship" I have with "Ted" so he knows up front. I want to do things right this time even if it doesn't turn out to be anything - that's fine. I'm just going to enjoy myself & his company & only take things at face value for now. I want to be honest with him like I was with "Ted" about going out with this other guy.
Things will be taken slow with any new relationship. I made the mistake of rushing into something with "Ted" & I'm not doing that again - it only complicates things. I just have to say "no" to sex! That's so hard for me right now - it's not even funny. It was soooo hard last night but I didn't give in & I'm proud of myself for that.
Ok, enough for now. I have to catch up on my blog reading in the next few days here. Thanks to you all - as always you help to put things in perspective for me & offer such support :-)
Hey all --->
Thanks for your comments & advice. I've decided to let happen what will happen with "Ted". In other words - I'm moving on - if he wants in he's going to have to work for me. I've also managed to get me a date - for Valentine's day with a nice looking bassist for a latin band (he's not latin though - he's as white as can be). I worked with him in the past (well, not the same dept but the same co) & his brother is married to my friend Jaime's boyfriend's cousin (confusing huh?). So, I know he's a good guy. We'll see how it goes :-)
The other guy - "Ted" is still on my mind but I'm leaving the ball in his park. It's so easy to get wrapped up in things & I can't fall privy to it. I came "this close" to falling into a depression over it - why?! Fuck that - I'm moving on. I've got a lot to offer the right guy & if I don't meet him tomorrow, or next month, or next year that's fine. For now, I'm just going to have fun, enjoy people & life & just be myself. If something or the someone comes along on the way that's great. If not, at least I'll be having fun & living life :-)
Hugs all - thanks for watching out for me :-)
I wish I had time to check out everyone's blogs. I'm going to be sooooo behind!
In Fl
Ok everyone - just wanted to let you all know that I'm in WPB, FL until Friday night so if I don't post it's ok :-)
An update: He told me Friday night that he wanted to go back to being friends. I was dumbfounded - how do you go backwards after something like we had? So we talked a little more & fell asleep still wrapped in each other with me with a gazillion questions still going through my mind. Talk about mixed messages - telling me that & then rubbing my leg & putting his arm around me while we lay there??!! I tried to talk to him more in the am & he told me he doesn't want a relationship or girlfriend. I said - we're not in a relationship & he said yes, we are. We ended up leaving it as a type of friends with benefits thing because what kind of friends are always touching each other? He told me he doesn't have any girls that are friends & I said the same for myself. I felt like I twisted around what he wanted.
Oh & this all came up after I asked him why he hadn't kissed me ALL NIGHT.
So, late Saturday night I texted him & apologized for making things confusing when they shouldn't be & for questioning him. I also admitted that I was hurt. He didn't text or call me back. I really want to clear this up & I can't help but think he must wonder what my deal is ... ARGH!!!
Anyway, feel free to comment & offer your two cents as always. I'll try to log on again :-)
Oh boy, what am I getting myself into?
Remember I said that "Ted" was supposed to call me to finalize plans for tomorrow? Well, 10:30 goes by & no call. I need to know what's going on & if we're still going out because I need to be out of the house since "soon-to-be-ex" is having an old friend over.
Ok, so I texted him to see if he forgot or was blowing me off & told him it was ok to call (he was worried to call me b4 because of "soon-to-be-ex"). He called me back (trashed as he is a lot) & said he was at the Courthouse (a bar/restaurant) with Jaime's boyfriend (no biggie - whatever) & I reminded him that he said he'd call & asked him what we were doing tomorrow & he said he wasn't doing anything. So, I repeated myself & said "What are
we doing tomorrow because we were supposed to go out" & he's like "Oh, ok we can go out - where do you want to go?"
I swear, I'm going to kick him in the ass! We agreed on Milbury (after he suggested Manchester) & I'm supposed to meet him at his house @ 6pm. I asked him if he was going to remember & he said of course. I suggested he write it down so he doesn't forget & asked if he wanted me to call first. I bet he forgets. Sometimes, I just don't know about him! He's lucky I like him.
Still, I'm growing concerned because he
is young & apparently stuck in the "I have to drink all I can mode" & he is forgetful when he does drink. I guess I'll just go along for the ride but I have to admit I'm starting to have feelings for him (which I didn't intend to have). I'm trying to not make this more than it is (the relationship) but it's getting harder & harder to be objective. I'm wondering if I should just end it now before one of us gets hurt (namely me) but at the same time it's so hard because we're so attracted to each other (intellectually, possibly emotionally & of course physically).
I have a tdoc appt tomorrow. I think I'll mention this to her & she what she says but what do you all think? I'm getting in over my head aren't I?
See if you can read it!!
SEE IF YOU CAN READ IT!!!
Can you read this? Only [28] people so far can
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and yhou can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs rpsoet it.
ONLY REPOST IF YOU CAN READ THIS...(Update the number at the top before reposting.)
Shopping
So, today wasn't very eventful. I tried to do our last taxes as a married couple however my state is making some changes & I can't do them until the 3rd (the State taxes that is). No biggie. But, the stupid H&R Block site keeps pissing me off claiming that my "spouse"'s social security # isn't matching on the W2 & the 1040 & I've looked at both spots & it's typed the same! I even retyped them thinking it'd help but - no.
After that aggravation my soon to be ex-husband & I were looking at Divorce costs & procedures when my friend Jaime called me & asked if I wanted to go up to Mass to do some shopping. We were talking about the place earlier so I was glad to go. Now I know how to get there - it's actually pretty easy. I think that's where "Ted" & I will go on Friday but we'll see. Anyway, we had a good time. I bought an adorable outfit for my niece at Baby's R Us & some body was & Aveeno face cleanser. We went to Payless & I almost bought 2 pairs of shoes but couldn't decide on which I wanted so I left them both there (aren't I a good girl?!).
Tomorrow "Ted" is supposed to call so we can finalize where we're going so I'm interested to see if he remembers. It's the first time we've actually set a phone call & date (having spent so much time in his bedroom). I'm excited to hear from him & even more so to see him. Tonight he was at his parents - he goes there every Wednesday & has dinner with them (aw shucks!).
That's it for today. Like I said -- not eventful.
